Nice timing

I was at the gym this morning on the elliptical machine when President Obama came on the news to sign the repeal of the DADT policy. At that moment, En Vogues' "Free Your Mind" started playing on my MP3 player. That was pretty cool.

Wanted

WANTED: A New Friend.

DESCRIPTION:

• Male
• Great smile
• Spontaneously hugs others
• Calls just because
• Drops by to visit just because
• Notices when your male friends take an extra effort to look good
• Willing to try something new
• Not afraid to ask a friend if there's something wrong
• Willing to put your arm around your friends for more than .3 seconds
• Listens

I do have good friends, but sometimes I wish my friends had some more of the above qualities.

The Mask

It's coming on two months since I came out to my wife. Generally we are coping fine. It's stressful, but we're falling back into our normal routines. I guess part of that is good, but perhaps not what we are looking for. My wife wants me to be more open, and I want her to be more accepting. I don't quite feel safe sharing everything with her, like the fact that I've been feeling particulary lonely for a guy's company lately. There's no particular reason for it. I'm just not sure what kind of help she can give me if I told her other than her feeling bad and/or inadequate. So I hide behind my mask.

I also feel like I haven't done much to take off my "straight" mask around others. I've become more reserved over the years. I do enjoy being more affectionate, dancing, and singing out loud. I've observed from others' stories that many guys who are attracted to men also tend to have a higher tendency to be artistically or musically talented. That's not me, but I did like acting a lot in high school and some in college. I just didn't pursue it hard. I wish I had that opportunity now. If I was back home, I'd go to auditions with local community theater productions that my friend usually directs.

I'm trying to reach out to some other friends and develop those relationships. I've been focused on just one friend pretty much for the past few years. It's a good relationship with him, but variety is good. I keep hoping one day to have a close friend who's a bit more affectionate and freer with compliments. I've never read the book, "Love Languages," but the basic concept has been explained to me. With my wife and other women I care about, what speaks to me is their actions and touch. My wife can tell me a thousand times that she loves me or thinks I look good, but it's like telling an anorexic she's not fat. It just doesn't sink in. On the very rare occasion that a guy has given me a compliment, it's awesome. I need to hear affection from other guys. Of course, touch speaks to me too. Obviously, I can't go so far in that department as I'd like to, but touching is okay. I just wish I had friends that were that way too.

Tonight I'm going to my third session with LDS Family Services. My therapist is really nice. She's very intuitive. I'm still not sure it's helping me cope, but definitely it's been nice to have a non-judgmental environment to get my thoughts out. Usually my sessions are with my wife. That's definitely forcing me to be more open with her. Hopefully she'll get used to these things, and then I can feel more open about checking this blog or the list serves at home. Right now, I usually check them at work. My wife knows about them, but she's not too keen on them. I haven't shared the content of this blog with her, just that it exists. Also, she's not keen on the idea of me meeting other gay LDS guys. My therapist is suggesting a group session next year with others. I think it would be good to finally meet someone face to face with the same struggles and religious background and see understanding in his eyes. My wife loves me and those handful of friends whom I've told, but there's no understanding.

I still haven't told many people, but perhaps that will change. Nothing bad has happened yet in sharing this part of me. It's awkward and emotionally charged, but somewhat healing. I'm still wearing that mask though.

And Now For Something Different

Yes, I love the Old Spice commercials with the guy spouting off random things. Anyway, this link takes you to the Sesame Street spoof of those commercials with Grover. Very funny.

http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/94062?fp=1

I wasn't feeling well this weekend, so I watched a lot of TV and movies. I happened to watch both versions of Clash of the Titans. Not that the story is all that impressive, but the old version still has the better story. Yes, it doesn't hurt that the main character is shirtless unlike in the new version. :)

Losing my center

What a crazy and emotional weekend. My wife and I finally had a fairly quiet evening to ourselves once we got the sick kids to bed late. I opened up to my wife. That was so hard. She was in shock. I generally think the conversation went well. It was not easy for me to speak the words or for her to hear them that I am attracted to guys. I had to apologize for a few things, and try to let her know that my love for her is genuine. She let me into bed, so that was a good sign. She didn't sleep well though.

The next day was conference. I didn't even pretend to be interested really. I did go to priesthood though. I didn't really listen. I had been in a good mood most of Saturday because my wife hadn't rejected me. Then it hit during conference, just sitting there--the fear of the unknown now and hating that I had hurt my wife, not intentionally, but still felt that way. We talked some more that night. She wants to know how I can both love her and want something else so very different.

Yesterday I did watch or listen to most of conference, but it was really hard listening to Packer. It kind of ruined the rest of the conference. I just shut down and read the paper while he was talking. I don't mind that the church took a stand on Proposition 8, but his talk was hurtful for those of us struggling to understand our feelings, which don't feel evil, and the doctrines of the gospel.

I didn't discuss with my wife my feelings about Packer's talk, but imagine we will at some point, especially when the conference issue of the Ensign comes out.

I'm a bit overwhelmed today at work with my emotions. I should be working right now! I've lost my center. My wife has some doubt about me now. I have doubts about the church. I feel a bit adrift, wondering where I'm heading now.

My wife, the smart person that she is, wants us to at least try a few sessions of meeting with a therapist at LDS family services. I was so concerned about opening up to her, I have to admit that I didn't really give much that about what's next. I've agreed. I know she needs someone to talk to. She needs help because she's panic attacks the last 2 days. She needs help coping. I need to think about what I want or can get out of this. With finances the way they are, we'll probably only go once a month for now. Anyone had any good experiences with a therapist at LDS family services? I just hope this person is nonjudgmental.

I feel a bit better letting some of this out, but am still nervous about the future.

Still pondering

I have been very silent as of late for those few of you who are pay attention to this blog. I can't say why exactly. In part it's because I'm just trying to live my life and appreciate what I have. In part it's also because life has been stressful. Part of that stress is now gone. My wife and I can now move on past that particular problem.
Now my particular dilemma is coming to the forefront. Now that this particular stress is gone, I'm about ready to share with my wife this other part of my life with her. It scares me to death like very little else that I've dreaded before. It's not that I think my wife is going to hate me or anything like that. I'm sure that the first few days will be rough. It's that I will be throwing this completely awkward element into our marriage. I also worry about where this will take our marriage. Scott and Sarah's recent decision to divorce is not very inspiring right now. (Dichotomy's blog). So any advice on how to broach the subject? I keep thinking delicacy is in order.

Not much to report but here's some random thoughts

Recent events:

· I taught a lesson on having a broken heart and a contrite spirit to the priests on Sunday. Basically, the lesson is to remind ourselves to be open to God and his instructions. I wonder if I have such an attitude. I don’t trust my leaders to share with them my attractions. So where do I get my instructions if not from church or do I have hard heart?

· After church, while taking the sacrament with the priests to a couple in the hospital, the husband just randomly asks if there have been any political statements at church. Oh no, I thought to myself. Quickly, the conversation turned into an Obama and gay bashing, including a crude hand gesture to prove homosexual acts don’t work. I tried to extricate us quickly. I didn’t get heated, but I could tell the guy wouldn’t listen to any contrary point of view. He made me laugh when he said Fox News is the only station that provides balanced news.

· On Monday, I discovered a few morsels of eye candy at Disneyland. I couldn’t help but enjoy the young, buff guy who decided to take off his shirt while waiting in line at the Matterhorn. I enjoyed the sites of a few guys in tanks too.

· Today, as I left the gym locker room, I couldn’t help but scratch my head at the guy who had painted his toenails black.

· I have one particular homoerotic fantasy that I can’t get out of my head this week. Go away, I say. It isn’t helping!

Lonely tonight

I don't know why specifically, but I'm just feeling really lonely tonight. My wife is with friends, which is good, but she hasn't done that in awhile. At the last minute, I tried to get a guy friend to come over, but nothing panned out. I really wish had that physical and emotional connection with a guy. Oh well, instead I get to spend more time on the computer.

Great Zeitcast over at BCC

Here's part 1:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/zeitcast-3-9-0-part-1/

Here's part 2:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/bcc-zeitcast-3-9-1-part-2/

This guy left the church a long time ago, before coming out of the closet. He has interestingly remained a friend of the church and has some great insights.

Subconscious betrayal

Generally life is good, and I deal with my attractions to other men okay. It’s hard though when I wake up to an incredibly vivid sexual dream of being with another man. So, I slowly wake up and go through a series of strong emotions of longing, sadness, and guilt, among others. Then I see my smiling kids and hug my wife, and life is good again. However, on those days, there’s always a little pain that I carry with me. As the dream fades, so does the pain.

Overheard in the gym lockerroom...

"I prefer my queers flaming..."

Okay, I wanted to turn to this guy and say, "sorry to disappoint.".

I didn't, but I chuckled a little to myself.

Opening Up

I took a positive step I think in dealing with my attractions. I actually told a friend what I was going through. It wasn't easy because I'm generally very private. Now someone in my life now and not just those who occasionally read this blog.
The conversation went well, but I found myself not being nearly as articulate with my feelings as I am when I write them down. Anyway, he was not judging and was open to further discussion if I ever feel the need to talk. I'm happy I opened up. I'm definitely risk adverse and this felt very risky for me. I was shaking beforehand so badly once I decided to go through with it.

On another train of thought, I really enjoyed President Monson's talk this morning on the sacrifice, atonement and resurrection of the Savior. That's the heart of the gospel I really love.

Happy Easter!

Marie Osmond's son

I passed the tabloids at the grocery store yesterday and noticed one said Marie Osmond's son committed suicidie because he was gay. I googled it and could not find any credible news source that picked up on that. However, I did find an article that Roseanne Barr criticized the Osmonds and the Church for being anti-gay, which caused Marie's son's suicide. Anyone heard whether he really was gay? I guess to an extent it doesn't matter because no matter the cause, suicide is so sad.

What are the boundaries?

I think back to times when I've been alone with a good friend and how I wished the conversation or circumstances would have turned more intimate, not sexual, but something more. What I mean is I wish for a back rub, a cuddle, a lingering embrace, or a shirtless hug, something along those lines. I imagine those scenarios over and over again in my head. Yet when circumstances allow me to be with a close friend with whom I'd like a more emotional bond that could be strengthened through such an experience, I hesitate and nothing happens. Of course, I wish I had a friend who would instigate so it's not just me. Alas, I've never had that friend.

Afterwards, I wonder if it's just for the best. Those close physical experiences could easily turn into something sexual, which while somewhat appealing, that's not where I want to go while I'm in a committed relationship. I do not want to cheat on my wife, but I can't ignore entirely the fact that I'm open to touch from my friends beyond the occassional hand shake or sideways hug. Living without that touch is less painful than hurting my wife would be. So, part of me refrains.

I wonder if I would have much self-control. Recently, I took a road trip with a friend. We went to the pool at the hotel. Since we shared a room, we changed together. I've never really been physically attracted to this guy. Yet, when we changed, my body responded and I had to make sure I was turned away while I got into my suit. I was mad at myself for that. If I respond so quickly to someone with whom I don't have a crush or admire physically, what would I do in another situation with a more attractive man? Normally, that's not a problem at the gym, but I'm surrounded by a bunch of guys who I don't even know. I guess my other brain recognized that I was alone with someone I care about.

Anyway, I haven't crossed any improper boundaries with another guy and not even gotten close. Maybe it's just good that I have good friends. I have a good family. I don't get to do everything in this life that I want. Who does? It's okay. Maybe one day I will have a friend is more physically affectionate, and I will discover where the boundaries lie between physical affection and sexuality. That would be very awesome. Until that time, however, I'm not going to regret the good people in my life because I'm blessed that way.

Supreme Court cases

I read an article about a case going up to the Supreme Court that concerns the free speech of religious groups who protest at military funerals. Specifically, the protest comes from a reverend and his church followers that appear at the funeral services of fallen servicemen and carry signs that blame the deaths of our military of the U.S. government’s acceptance of gays and lesbians to serve. One of the fathers sued the reverend and won a $5 million verdict for invasion of privacy. The verdict was thrown out on appeal, and now the case is heading to the Supreme Court next term.

Also, the Supreme Court is to hear a case that concerns membership rules for student groups and public universities. At one public law school, the school administration threatened to withdraw funding to the Christian Law Society because they would no longer accept gays and lesbians as members. The law school won at both the trial and appellate levels. The Supreme Court will hear argument on that case in April.

Being a lawyer, I could argue both sides to each of these cases. But when I listen to my feelings, I definitely have opinions on these issues. With the first, I’m totally siding with the father. There are so many other appropriate places and times to protest the government’s policy on gays in the military. Choosing a funeral of a fallen serviceman is ridiculous. It manifests the cruel side of religion that can take a person’s belief and use it to harm others without any guilt. It doesn’t bother me that much that church groups don’t like the U.S. policy. There’s always been prejudice and there always will be. That group is being extremely insensitive in showing a lack of respect for our soldiers and their families. That reverend should write to Congress, appear on Fox News, hold rallies, create a blog, etc. Targeting innocent families just causes so much pain for no reason.

I’ve read some blog entries recently from other mohos who have reduced or eliminated their contact with our Church for various reasons. I understand to an extent and maybe they’ve experienced some of the cruelty that can occur from religion, like the example above, or say the Mountain Meadows massacre, the Holy Crusades, the Inquisition, or Proposition 8. But in my experience, the everyday member is a good person. I have so many great friends because of my affiliation with the Church, who are just trying to do the right thing. The gospel itself is good and does bring the Spirit. It’s just that the Church is run by imperfect people who have prejudices. That’s part of the reason I feel no desire to discuss my attractions for other men with a bishop or anyone else at church for that matter. I don’t need to invoke their prejudices. On the other hand, I love their companionship and their commitment to do what’s right. So I keep attending Church.

Anyway, with the second Supreme Court case, I think that student groups should have say in their membership requirements. I know that the law favors the government only providing monies to organizations that don’t discriminate. That’s almost impossible to enforce. Student groups are not our government, and provide a mechanism for the right to assemble and to speak as a group. Forcing open the memberships is taking the Constitutional protections too far. With both these cases, it’s apparent that sometimes courts see the First Amendment right to free speech as the end all and be all of Constitutional rights. It can be impinged upon to advance other rights, as the right to assemble, the right to privacy, the right to practice one’s religion, etc.

It will be very interesting to see what our highest court does with these two cases.

A Tale of Two Gym Encounters

I’ve had several thoughts on blog topics from the lawsuits in Britain to remove the criminal history of gay men prosecuted in the 50s and 60s for having consensual sex, to manscaping, and to my lack of the sports gene. Instead, I want to share a couple of experiences from the gym. Maybe I’ll get to the other topics later. Anyway, I was standing at the sink, shaving. This young guy comes up behind me. I had noticed him a few minutes ago, because he kept taking off his shirt and putting it back on as he went back and forth between the locker area and the showers. I couldn’t figure that out. Then he came up behind me as he was taking off his shirt. He started talking to me and it quickly became a sales pitch. He had just been hired at the smoothie shop that’s in the gym. He was encouraging everyone to come work out in the evening when the smoothie shop was open, and he would be working. He was a nice guy, early twenties I think, with a really nice lean body. So, while I don’t understand why he kept taking his shirt off and putting it back on a few times without leaving the locker room, I didn’t mind talking to him with his shirt off. He had great definition. I didn’t stare, but I did look. I don’t think he noticed.

This experience was much better than yesterday’s where some crazy guy, also young, but obviously not in his right state of mind. I was once again at the sink shaving, when this guy just through his shoe at the mirror 6 or 7 feet away from me. So I turned to smile to diffuse the situation, and this guy looked enraged. I turned away just as he grabbed the shoe and started banging the counter several times. Then I thought he left. A few moments later, he threw a hanger at me. By the time I turned around, he was gone. I’ve never seen him before and have no idea what his problem was, but I hope that was the last time I see him. It was very odd.

Olympic Bromances

Below is a link to some pictures of guys at the Olympics who were embracing that NBC has labeled "bromances." It's fun.

#olympic+bromances

Do All Gays Go To Heaven?

In some of my self-examination, I've been thinking over the last week or two what the role of gays are in our theology. I've read a lot of people's personal views on the interpretation of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah and how the original Hebrew does not necessarily support the idea that it was destroyed for homosexuality. Instead, the destruction occurred because the people lacked hospitality.

I have no background to add to that discussion. However, there is no clear instruction from any scripture on the matter. Jesus did not address same sex relations. Joseph Smith did not either. In fact, according to some, the issue was not raised within the Church to any degree of specificity until Spencer W. Kimball became the prophet.

I do not claim to be an expert on how the Church's position has changed concerning homosexuality. Trusting that others have done the research, I've been wondering then where gays fit into the eternal scheme of things if I accept the proposition that God may not condemn gays as the Church leaders have said. Certainly a gay man can abide by many of the same commandments as anyone else. He can serve in the church, attend priesthood, go on a mission, etc., so long as he is celibate. I recognize that path. However, now a gay man can get married in certain states and in some other countries. He can refrain from sexual relations until he marries his love, just as a straight couple can. If he does so and engages in sexual relations only within the bonds of matrimony, has he lost his worthiness in God's eyes? I know that church leaders now would disapprove and not allow his participation at church.

If he is still worthy in God's view because he is only sexually active in a marriage relationship, should he then be allowed to serve in the Church, perform priesthood ordinances, and go to the temple?

As a missionary, I read Third Nephi, chapter 11 almost daily with investigators. In that chapter, Jesus to me seems very clear that the path to salvation is through the 4 basic principles of the gospel--faith, repentance, baptism, and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. In fact, He teaches that whoever teaches more or less than this doctrine is of the devil.

The reason I point out this section of scripture is that our Church as a much more complicated path laid out for salvation that culminates in seeking a spouse and being sealed in the temple. Only then, as Joseph taught, can one enter the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. Should we as gay brothers in the Church hope for a day when gay men and women can go to the temple and be sealed? Do we want to encourage acceptance so that a gay, sexually active man, can be a bishop, stake president, or apostle? Or is there another path? Will gays be like the blacks prior to 1978 who can attend church but not obtain temple blessings?

There are two other degrees of glory within the celestial kingdom. We don't know anything about them other than the people there will be with God and be his angels. That doesn't sound so bad. Is one of those degrees reserved for God's gay children who are also true Christians? If so, then not having perfect attendance at church meetings, going to the temple, or doing some of the many other things that we relate to Mormon culture but is not really relevant to the basic doctrine of salvation will not matter to God so much.

Joseph taught that that we will retain our identities, desires, and characteristics into the next life. Being that I think more people are accepting that one's sexuality is inherent in one's identity and not a choice, that idea implies to me that one's sexual identity is part of one's soul. If a guy has no attractions to women, that will not change in the next life and he will likely then not want to be in the highest degree of glory if that's for married heterosexual couples only. The other two degrees may be just right.

What about me? I'm married to a great woman. I love her and continue to hope and pray that our relationship will continue for a long time. If I continue to remain faithful to her, then we're promised that highest degree of glory. We can only go there through accepting and receiving the benefits of the atonement. As Alma taught, the atonement is very broad. It includes not only washing away our sins, but taking away the pains, sicknesses, and sufferings of this life. Isn't being denied a male partner a suffering? Maybe through the atonement, we will be blessed with great male partners in heaven. I've heard in Church before that righteous men will be given more wives in the celestial kingdom because polygamy is an eternal principle. If that's true, then maybe I'll ask God for both male and female spouses.

These are just some thoughts. What do you think about being gay in the eternal perspective?

A Little Insight Into My Journey

It's time to address the themes proposed by Abelard about when did I know and where I am on my journey. They are really just different aspects of the story of my life.

When Did I Know?

I do not recall a specific instance where I said to myself, "holy crap, I'm gay!" That realization slowly dawned on me about 6 or 7 years ago. In some ways, it's still dawning on me. To start I should say that I'm the oldest of 2 kids. I have a younger sister. My dad worked a lot, so I was mostly just close to my mom growing up. There were few boys my age in my neighborhood. Most were younger or older by a year or two. I had no cousins, male or female, my age. I didn't have a lot of male influence or close relationships with men or boys growing up.

When I was a kid, I remember being a little interested in my friends and other guys, but not very much. As a very young kid, I remember being a little interested in smooth chested guys. I also remember trying to sneak a look at my uncle while we were changing after my baptism. Other than that, I really don't remember any sexual feelings while young. At the same time, I had my crushes on girls. I was engaged in kindergarten, and we had fun kissing! Then I didn't like her in first grade. Girls became icky then. I remember another crush I had in 5th grade.

In middle school, I wasn't particularly amorous. I remember feeling insecure in the locker room. I was a nerd. I was small and skinny without any skill at any sport. To avoid that, I spent most of those three years in gym class at the pool. We had to take at least 2 weeks of swimming, but I would spend most of the year in the pool. I kind of wished that I had continued and pushed myself into joining the high school swim team, but I never gave it serious thought because I didn't believe I had any physical prowess and I wasn't brave at trying new things. I had never been on a competitive team, except very young with soccer for a couple of years. Anyway, I remember looking at my friends in the swimming locker room and paying attention to certain physical developments. I also remember having a hard time not getting an erection when changing. I didn't connect those two things. Now that I know sexual attraction and release, I don't think that was what I was feeling at the time. It was mostly just curiosity and insecurity. At the same time, there a few girls who I thought were cute, but way above me. In addition, all through out these younger years, I made friends much easier with girls than boys.

Then came high school. Like most people, I grew up a lot physically and emotionally during those years. I gained in height but not in size. I was skinny when I graduated high school at about 135 lbs, while being 5'11". Anyway, my insecurities continued and I still looked at guys some to see how they were developing. But mostly, I paid attention to one friend. I would try to think of situations where I could see him shirtless. I would just enjoy spending time with him talking and being alone with him. He was my friend, but I could tell he didn't think about me to the same degree of intensity. It would drive me crazy that he could go forever without seeing me or calling me if I didn't try to reach out to him first. At the time, he was really my only male friend. Now I know I had a crush on him, but didn't recognize that. I never thought in terms that I had homosexual attractions. I had a few other male acquaintances, but they were in their cliques. I didn't hang out with them. At the same time, I had some great female friends. We're still friends, and I even married one of them! I also had crushes on some girls. I enjoyed dating, but it like hanging with really good friends. I never thought about making out with them. I enjoyed my dates, looking at the girls, but always thought a romantic relationship would come later in my life. So I rarely went out with a girl more than twice.

Then I attended college for a year. I can't think of anything that happened to me during that year to affect my sexuality. I did become really good friends with a certain girl from high school.

Then there was the MTC. Wow, 9 weeks of hanging out with guys, studying the scriptures, and learning to be a missionary. I liked the side single shower where I knew I wouldn't be looked at much. I still had issues with my body image. At the same time I could look over into the tree showers. I know I did that, but those curious feelings about the other guys were pretty minor. Mostly what I remember about the MTC was the camaraderie and the spiritual growth. I felt accepted by a bunch of guys for the first time. It was nice. The mission was a lot of hard work, and I just didn't think about sex or other guys much. There were a few good looking missionaries that I glanced at a couple of times.

I came home and dated that girl. A year later, we were married. One sign I should have noticed before I got married was that I didn't enjoy the kissing as much as I though I would. And then when we were married, sex was awkward at first. I had some strange feelings for the first day or two that I can only describe as feeling like I shouldn't be seeing my wife in her underwear or naked. That only lasted for a day or two. We figured things out and had great sex for a few years. Even today, I don't like talking about it. It's something we do and it makes us closer, but we don't discuss it much.

A few years into our marriage, we moved out of state for graduate school. Soon after that, my wife became pregnant. I was dealing with the stress of school, I didn't have any guy friends, and our romantic relations diminished quite a bit. I found myself in free time browsing the Internet. At first I just looked for shirtless guys, then naked guys, then naked aroused guys, and then full on sex between guys. Around this time, I masturbated for the first time. It took a year or two of this behavior to realize that I was gay. I had so many rationalizations in my head for what I was doing that I didn't even realize I was rationalizing. It took awhile, but I rid myself of the lies I was telling myself and finally admitted that I liked guys sexually.

Where Am I Now?

I am reevaluating myself some. I purposefully put in my story my crushes on girls. I've spent some time dwelling on them lately and my relationship with my wife. Those feelings were real. I am attracted to women. I love their curves and their kindness. I love the idea of growing old with my wife and being grandparents together. I also love sex with my wife. As a consequence, I think I'm bi. I definitely lust after guys more. Not ever having pursued a physical relationship with a guy, that lust may be a function of thinking about the unknown or thinking the pasture is greener on the other side more than an accurate indicator of the strength of my attractions to other guys.

I am actively trying to cultivate healthy relationships with other guys. I have some good friends now. They are not all in the same state, but I appreciate and love them. I am trying to remember the Savior's words that we should be like the little children. They do not care what you look like. I have 4 wonderful kids, and they don't care about the things I see in myself--ungainly, pale, and too hairy guy. They just see dad. When I look at other guys, I should look at their hearts and not how much muscle definition they have in deciding whether to reach out and open my heart to them.

I still struggle with these issues though. I haven't opened up to anyone except through this blog about these issues. I'm too chicken, or too protective of my wife to bring this up to her. I haven't been able to completely walk away from the porn. Also, I haven't found acceptance with myself in that I don't know what place these feelings for other guys have in my life. I don't see myself as a bad person for having them, but I can't really see how they fit into my life. That causes me some distress because I recognize now that I will always have these feelings.

I recognize that my natural tendency to just deal with everything internally isn't always the best policy. My first step is to be more open in this blog and consider how in my real life I can be more open and begin to contemplate how I can integrate all aspects of my life together and be more at peace with myself.

A random bit of meaningless gay time

In the spirit of trying to be more open and sharing my inner gay thoughts, I'll share what some random, not very important thoughts I had today.

I went to a new store in a mall that attracts many of the well-to-do and fashionable people here in southern California. Oh and even though it's January, the mall was packed. Anyway, as I sat eating lunch before going over the store I wanted to, I sat watching guys. I have to admit that I was trying to figure out which guys with big muscles in tight t-shirts were gay. I was just wondering if I have a functioning "gaydar." In any event, I went to this store that I heard about because I heard it carries clothes for guys with slim physiques, like me. I'm a professional and wear dress shirts a lot. My problem is that to get the right arm length and neck size, I feel like I swim in all the material in chest and body of the shirt. Anyway, I went into this store and found some nice dress shirts that are reasonably priced. I tried one on and wow did it fit nice. There were a lot of fun and fashionable clothes there too. I didn't end up getting anything else. I do have the credit card to pay off from Christmas.

Today's adventure made me realize that I probably am watching for other guys more than I admit to myself, and that I'm more excited about a shirt than most guys probably are!

This was hardly an insightful post, but it was fun to take a break from work today for a long lunch and do something for myself.

Goals

I realize that I haven't been using this blog experience as much as could be helpful to me. I'm been emotionally flat and withdrawn for awhile. I don't feel like me so much anymore. Mostly, it's dawned on me that I really don't know or have any connection with the other bloggers I follow. Beck has been blogging for a long time and I love his posts. His thoughts are so poignant and insightful. Abelard is great at encouraging communication with his blog themes and by keeping up a blog roll. He's always upbeat. Forester is about my age, is married, and has not told his wife, like me. Alan lives in the same city I do and works in the same field as I do. Scott went to the same high school as I did. However, I really don't know these people. I should. Being attracted to men and married is lonely. I could use more friends. I follow many other blogs, but these are examples of how easy it would be for me reach out. I have common ground with other bloggers.

So my goals for the new year include using this blog as way to grow and reach out to others. I hope to gain strength from doing so. I also need to be more open and affectionate with my wife. Then I can worry about those other things, like money worries, improving my career, home improvement projects, etc., that while important, are not the most important things in this life.