Monday, October 11, 2010

And Now For Something Different

Yes, I love the Old Spice commercials with the guy spouting off random things. Anyway, this link takes you to the Sesame Street spoof of those commercials with Grover. Very funny.

I wasn't feeling well this weekend, so I watched a lot of TV and movies. I happened to watch both versions of Clash of the Titans. Not that the story is all that impressive, but the old version still has the better story. Yes, it doesn't hurt that the main character is shirtless unlike in the new version. :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Losing my center

What a crazy and emotional weekend. My wife and I finally had a fairly quiet evening to ourselves once we got the sick kids to bed late. I opened up to my wife. That was so hard. She was in shock. I generally think the conversation went well. It was not easy for me to speak the words or for her to hear them that I am attracted to guys. I had to apologize for a few things, and try to let her know that my love for her is genuine. She let me into bed, so that was a good sign. She didn't sleep well though.

The next day was conference. I didn't even pretend to be interested really. I did go to priesthood though. I didn't really listen. I had been in a good mood most of Saturday because my wife hadn't rejected me. Then it hit during conference, just sitting there--the fear of the unknown now and hating that I had hurt my wife, not intentionally, but still felt that way. We talked some more that night. She wants to know how I can both love her and want something else so very different.

Yesterday I did watch or listen to most of conference, but it was really hard listening to Packer. It kind of ruined the rest of the conference. I just shut down and read the paper while he was talking. I don't mind that the church took a stand on Proposition 8, but his talk was hurtful for those of us struggling to understand our feelings, which don't feel evil, and the doctrines of the gospel.

I didn't discuss with my wife my feelings about Packer's talk, but imagine we will at some point, especially when the conference issue of the Ensign comes out.

I'm a bit overwhelmed today at work with my emotions. I should be working right now! I've lost my center. My wife has some doubt about me now. I have doubts about the church. I feel a bit adrift, wondering where I'm heading now.

My wife, the smart person that she is, wants us to at least try a few sessions of meeting with a therapist at LDS family services. I was so concerned about opening up to her, I have to admit that I didn't really give much that about what's next. I've agreed. I know she needs someone to talk to. She needs help because she's panic attacks the last 2 days. She needs help coping. I need to think about what I want or can get out of this. With finances the way they are, we'll probably only go once a month for now. Anyone had any good experiences with a therapist at LDS family services? I just hope this person is nonjudgmental.

I feel a bit better letting some of this out, but am still nervous about the future.