Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What are the boundaries?

I think back to times when I've been alone with a good friend and how I wished the conversation or circumstances would have turned more intimate, not sexual, but something more. What I mean is I wish for a back rub, a cuddle, a lingering embrace, or a shirtless hug, something along those lines. I imagine those scenarios over and over again in my head. Yet when circumstances allow me to be with a close friend with whom I'd like a more emotional bond that could be strengthened through such an experience, I hesitate and nothing happens. Of course, I wish I had a friend who would instigate so it's not just me. Alas, I've never had that friend.

Afterwards, I wonder if it's just for the best. Those close physical experiences could easily turn into something sexual, which while somewhat appealing, that's not where I want to go while I'm in a committed relationship. I do not want to cheat on my wife, but I can't ignore entirely the fact that I'm open to touch from my friends beyond the occassional hand shake or sideways hug. Living without that touch is less painful than hurting my wife would be. So, part of me refrains.

I wonder if I would have much self-control. Recently, I took a road trip with a friend. We went to the pool at the hotel. Since we shared a room, we changed together. I've never really been physically attracted to this guy. Yet, when we changed, my body responded and I had to make sure I was turned away while I got into my suit. I was mad at myself for that. If I respond so quickly to someone with whom I don't have a crush or admire physically, what would I do in another situation with a more attractive man? Normally, that's not a problem at the gym, but I'm surrounded by a bunch of guys who I don't even know. I guess my other brain recognized that I was alone with someone I care about.

Anyway, I haven't crossed any improper boundaries with another guy and not even gotten close. Maybe it's just good that I have good friends. I have a good family. I don't get to do everything in this life that I want. Who does? It's okay. Maybe one day I will have a friend is more physically affectionate, and I will discover where the boundaries lie between physical affection and sexuality. That would be very awesome. Until that time, however, I'm not going to regret the good people in my life because I'm blessed that way.


Scott said...

I wonder if I would have much self-control. ... If I respond so quickly to someone with whom I don't have a crush or admire physically, what would I do in another situation with a more attractive man?

Inability to control a physical response like an erection does not equal inability to control our actions.

I'm sure you know that, but the fact that you start the paragraph describing your changing experience with "I wonder if I wold have much self-control" seems to indicate to me that you equate the two.

When I posted about cuddling a few weeks ago I was surprised at how worked up (no pun intended) people got. Some of the comments seemed to indicate that if me and/or the other guy happened to get an erection then it was game over--we were going to have sex and there's nothing we could do about it.

That's ridiculous, of course (and in fact this post was after my first cuddle experience, during which I had gotten hard several times--but had still managed to keep my pants on somehow).

I've found (in my admittedly limited experience--only 4 or 5 cuddles at this point) that as long as I've got a clear picture in my head of what's allowed and what isn't, it's really not that difficult to stay in the lines--even in the heat of the moment.

Anonymous said...


I agree with your post. If you go into the situation with a clear boundary that you both know about, its much easier to not get caught up in "the heat of the moment." Talking about it beforehand might seem a little awkward but it will save you from doing something later that you may regreat.