Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A few things to be grateful for

I started a list a few days ago of things I'm thankful for that have come about because I'm attracted to men.  For awhile, that was very hard to see anything positive.  I then went to a support group meeting, and that was the question we all had to answer at the end.  It was great hearing more than 30 guys express gratitude for being gay.  That was a turning point.  I've been feeling a bit better about myself since then.

Anyway, here's my list in no particular order:
  • I've learned I have true friends.  They did not run for their torches and pitchforks when I shared this aspect of my life with them.  It's kind of like when Donkey and Shrek became friends.
  • I've met a bunch of new people online through this blog, through Northstar, and through D2.  I've now met others in person who are attracted to guys but who for whatever their motivations are trying to cope and learn something about themselves.  I'm not the only one who's gay and married.  I'm not the only one who thinks my path is not to seek a fully intimate relationship with a guy (not that there's something wrong with that--it's just not my path).
  • I'm learning to let some emotions through.  I can emote a little better.  I still feel like I wasn't graced with any great emotional depth.  That's one of the ways my wife and I compliment each other.  She's incredibly emotional and feels things so deeply.  I can shut that away and deal with things logically and without too much emotion.  Somewhere in between is probably the best.
  • I understand and can now address to an extent the distance, longing, emptiness, and loneliness that I've felt to some degree throughout my entire life.
  • I'm learning to be more honest and transparent with my wife.  That's been a challenge.  I feel like I've always been good to her, but I'm not sure that I'm capable of the deep emotional intimacy she wants from me, but I'm learning...slowly.
  • I've become more accepting of others.  I've been prejudiced against people who live different lifestyles, have different faiths, have different priorities than I do.  I've felt a lot of that slip away over the years as I've come to embrace all aspects of my personality.  If I don't want to be judged, then I can't judge others.
  • I can appreciate more forms of beauty than before.
  • I'm grateful my wife is still with me.
That's it.  Hopefully that list will grow.  I'm not a big fan of grumblers and complainers, but I think I'm becoming one.  Sometimes those complaints are so repetitive.  When I'm feeling grateful for those things I do have, those negative feelings are lessened.

I hope all of you have somewhere to go tomorrow and can share the day with friends or family who care about you.  I also hope you are grateful for the lives you've been given and can recognize the touch of the divine.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I was asked today by someone else, who also is attracted to men, but single, if I get enough support. He was specifically curious about whether being married helped.

First, to tackle the support issue, I have my wife, I have a few close friends who know what’s going on (one of whom is now my bishop), I attend occasionally a support group in Los Angeles that meets monthly, I’ve made some new acquaintances/friends in person now who also have these attractions, I blog, I have more on-line acquaintances, I get emails daily from the Northstar and D2 email support groups, and I have God. I’m not alone, which is what I felt significantly at the time I finally was able to accept my attractions for what they are. I like men. I can’t deny that anymore.

The conflict comes when I’ve chosen a life that doesn’t really leave room for that. I’m married with kids. I’m a Mormon, which religion, like most Christian churches, has little tolerance for homosexuals. I have this huge inner conflict about what my desires tell me is natural, normal, and wonderful to try to meet a guy with whom I could connect with at all levels—emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. Then there’s the other side of me raised to believe that marriage between and a man and woman is the only legitimate intimate relationship, the desire I have always had to be a husband and father, the cleanness I feel in my relationship with my wife, my unease/trepidation/fear of change, and lack of spiritual guidance to encourage me to leave my life as I know it and try something different with a man. Overtime, I’ve also had to let go of the idea that being gay is evil. To accept myself and not hate or despise myself, I have to accept that being sexually active with other men is not evil in and of itself any more than sex, dating, relationships between two people of the opposite gender is not evil in and of itself. So, am I conflicted? Oh hell yes. Do I need support? Yes. As you can see from the above list, I have some. Is it sufficient? Am I making the most of these options? I don’t know, but I haven’t been suicidal, so that’s a good sign, but I do get down at times. Maybe you can tell me if I'm making the most of these options.

Blog. I use this blog sometimes to express myself, to connect to others, and to have a safe place. I feel this is a medium that I can use to express my inner thoughts without being judged too much for being too gay, too Christian, too whatever. Generally those on the blogosphere who talk about their attractions to other men are respectful. Some guys are in relationships with other men, some attend church, some are married, some are single, some are celibate—there are all kinds, and I respect their choices and hope they respect mine. I’ve learned a lot from reading others blogs, though some people’s blogs don’t allow comments, which is strange, but I always appreciate the few comments people leave on this blog. It’s special because this was really where I found expression for this side of me that I blocked off.

Email lists. I started with the email lists, but have rarely participated. Mostly I just read and learn. Occasionally I’ll respond, but only about once a year. I’ve connected there as well.

LA Support Group. This spring, I met other guys like me for the first time. What an intense, energetic and encouraging experience to be surrounded by three to four dozen other guys also learning, also striving to be good people and not enter into fully intimate relationships with other men. I’ve learned more about myself and just knowing that group is there is helpful, but it is a 2-hour drive for me, which bites. Most of the guys are in LA, so don’t see them outside of the group much. I have a few of their numbers and could call if I need to. The topics are definitely geared to those who believe in reparative therapy. I’m not all convinced of that, but don’t see any harm in learning more or to use those therapy methods if you’re fully informed. Maybe one day I’ll try one of those weekend trainings they are always pushing.

New acquaintances. Through my online experiences and this LA group, I have made a few new friends and acquaintances. That’s cool. Most are single and have a lot more free time than I do. I still have to keep my focus on this family, and so can’t be going off for all day adventures or get-togethers. Like I said, I have their numbers and emails and FB connections.

Close friends. I came out to a friend first before my wife. I have since come out to a few others. Nothing changed. That’s awesome! What can I say? I learned I’m loved because of that, though I do wish I’d get a few more hugs and few more “how are you doing?” It is rough now, but they are there too.

Family. I have not come out to my parents or my sister. I have told my wife and one cousin. I have not told my wife’s sister and husband. They are so politically conservative and see things in black and white that I think that would be bad. My parents…I have no idea how they’d react, but we’ve never been emotionally close. I have very little communication with my sister. We’ve just lived separate lives without really talking to each other more than a few times a year.

It’s been just over a year since I told my wife. It’s good she knows, but hard in new ways. I recognize I’m not the most transparent person. She wants that. I’m not the most affectionate person. She wants that. I like porn. She doesn’t like that (understatement of the year). There’s been lots of tension this year, but relief she knows what I’m going through. I haven’t figured out how or if she is a necessary sounding board or comfort on these issues because they cause her pain, grief, insecurities, and anger. I’m gay and she hates that. She accepts that it won’t change or just go away, but she hasn’t reached an internal accommodation with me where she can be somewhat comfortable with me. We’re working on it. There a “moreness” to our relationship she wants, but can’t define for me. I have my doubts that I’ll ever be able to by emotionally, physically, and spiritually intimate as she craves. But it is overwhelming helpful that she hasn’t thrown me out on my ass. I want quiet acceptance from her and she wants my soul. Hopefully we’ll still continue to find that middle ground where we’re happy and benefiting from this relationship and not just for the kids. We’ve had over 13 years together as a married couple. Neither of us wants to throw that away.

One day I’ll have to figure out about whether to share with the kids what I’ve been going through. They’re still so young, that that issue is years off yet.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Funny Question

I went running earlier this week with a friend of mine who knows I'm attracted to guys.  It had been awhile, so after the run, we talked for a bit to catch up.  He wanted to know how my wife and I are doing.  Then he asked me something funny.  "You know how guys like a certain part of a woman?  What's your favorite part of a guy?"  I was stunned he would actually ask me that.  He said he was curious because I was his only gay friend.  After laughing pretty hard because I did not expect that question, I realized I didn't have an answer.  I told him that I guess because I'm in such a desert for male affection that any part seems good.  I admit I've admired almost every part of a guy before.  The only exceptions that I could think of were noses and ears.  They've never done much for me.  Then I threw out a few celebrities I thought were hot.  He agreed with me that Ryan Reynolds is a god.  Too funny.  It made my day that a straight friend would care enough to ask how I was doing and was curious enough to ask something personal, but kind of fun to talk about.

Now it's off to a Halloween party, but being a good Mormon group of people, I doubt they'll be in shirtless guys.  Oh well...

Monday, October 17, 2011

Jumbled Emotions

I'm sitting at work this morning with a bunch of mixed up emotions.  This weekend was interesting for me. 

During the week prior, I was feeling a bit low.  I was (and am still) dealing with a cold, feeling distant from friends, not confident in my relationship with my wife, and the omnipresent stress about finances.  So I goofed and looked at images I should not have a couple of times.

With that low, I wasn't excited when my wife suggested going to the temple for our date night, which we've not had in awhile.  I've never found temple nights to be the best date nights because you're not actually spending very much time with your spouse, but it is a nice break from the kids in any event.  So, I suggested doing initiatories.  They are shorter, so we could spend some time afterwards going to dinner.  I have not also done them in a long time.  I actually found myself feeling the spirit some.  What was surprising about that was that I don't usually feel much at the temple.  I know I'm supposed to, but haven't found the temple to be as inspiring as other members find it.  I've always enjoyed baptisms for the dead, but the other ordinances just leave me with so many questions about why.  So listening to the initiatory words, I was left with the impression that that ordinance is about hope for something greater.  That resonated with me.  Other stuff still didn't, but that's okay.  I also found myself missing the old way where the ordinance was performed with more touch.  The new way is too p.c., too sterile, but a lot of our worship methods feel a bit on the sterile side to me.

Saturday morning, I helped with an emergency preparedness drill.  It was tailored to meet the last power outage we had in Southern California, where no traffic lights were working and cell phone towers were jammed.  We had to walk, bike, or use motorcylces.  I biked.  My cellphone was dead too because I had forgotten to charge it the night there was more realism for me.  It was a beautiful morning and was able to figure out where some people in our ward live.  Mostly, we're surrounded by the grandparents in the ward.  The other families with kids don't live so close. 

When I got back, my wife went to the stake center to donate blood.  She has to fill out information before donating blood.  One of the questions was whether she had ever had sexual contact with another personal who had had a homosexual relationship.  She came home in a funk.  She told me about this question and how she actually hesitated in answering.  I never have even come close to physical relationship with another guy.  I've never even flirted seriously (high school drama does not count...everyone flirts with everyone of any gender because that's just what you do for laughs).  Then to top it off, her iron was a little low, so she couldn't donate.  Of course, this all comes out right before I'm to head out the door to LA to go to a support group meeting, which I hadn't been to in half a year. 

I went to the meeting anyway, even tough I know there was a part of my wife that wanted me to stay, to not have to need the company of other men like me.  I met up with a new friend beforehand, whom I had invited to the meeting.  It was his first time.  That was nice, no pressures, no judging, just enjoying some good food and company while I gave him the lowdown on how these meetings go.

I enjoyed the meeting.  It was about surrendering the things that impede personal growth and letting God in to restructure your life.  For the first time, I enjoyed a discussion about labels.  Most of these guys in the group stay away from calling themselves gay.  They prefer the term SSA.  To me, that's so clinical, too much like a disease.  I don't feel diseased.  I'm attracted to men--that's being gay.  I'm not ashamed anymore of that term.  But what I liked about this presenter is that he admitted at one point he did identify himself as homosexual to help his understanding and ground his reality.  Then he's moved away from labels except to say he's a man.  That concept I like.  I'm a man. 

What kind of things do I want to surrender to God?  I don't know.  My wife wanted to know as I talked to her last night about the meeting.  She gets frustrated because I don't speak in these emotional terms.  She wants to know how things impact me.  I don't know.  I'm still pondering, thinking.  She still claims I'm a closed book to her.  I don't come home to her and complain.  I don't talk a lot about my attractions, pains, loneliness because there's not a commonality with her on these issues.  I don't want her judging, and I don't want to keep reminding her how different I am than who we all thought I was.  What I want is quiet acceptance and support from her.  She wants me to divulge all, and I don't do that.  Even here, or with friends, or with anyone, I edit.  I keep a lot to myself.  Admittedly, talking with her has become somewhat easier.  She doesn't immediately go into a sad place when we talk.  Still, when we talk about my issues, I don't think either of us really feels great. 

I wonder if I'm not capable of deeper level of intimacy with her.  Could I achieve a greater level intimacy with a man?  I have no idea.  I know when I'm home, I feel more at peace and comfortable.  That peace is usually gone when we talk about me being gay.  Last night was hard because she pushed on whether I had looked at any porn recently.  I admitted I had, without telling her how recently.  She thinks she's entitled to know every time.  Others have advised me that I don't need to tell her every time I fall so long as I'm improving.  I don't know, but I know I really don't like talking about it.  It hurts, I recognize there's a part of me that doesn't want to completely give it up so that I can have that outlet from time to time, and it forces me to realize how ugly I can be sometimes.  All the joy goes out of my face, and my wife sees that, thinking she's hurting me but won't let up either.  So last night was silence going to bed but wrapped in each other's arms. 

This morning, I woke up feeling awful.  I've been sick, so not sure if it's coming back or this is a physical manifestation of the shame I felt last night.  Writing this helps some. 

I'm hoping to find some purpose in all this mixed up emotional mess.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A good cry

My wife is at a slumber party tonight. I guess those don't go out of fashion for the girls.
So I rented Brokeback Mountain. I already knew the story, but to see it was amazing. I wept, and I don't cry except for funerals. I needed that so badly I didn't even know.
The last couple of weeks have been rocky between us. I think though that we've worked some stuff out. We're coming up on a year since I came out to my wife. Here's hoping for many more.
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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Kirby and Mayne

I always appreciate Robert Kirby's point of view. Here's his take on all the chatter about Mitch Mayne:

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Some thoughts I'd like to share

I have been by myself for a few days. The family is on vacation and will be back on Monday. I thought that I would take some time for myself and do some reflecting, perhaps even post on this blog or journal. Instead, I have been working, exercising and watching movies. Those are all good things too.

I just haven't been processing or progressing. I am sort of just stuck in the moment, not really sure where I'm going. Anyway, here's a few thoughts I've been having, not in any particular order:

-I thought I would be stronger by now resisting pornography. My therapist, who I haven't seen in awhile, has had a focus to work towards a better relationship with the Savior and with my wife, and not being too concerned with the pornography. I look back over the past year and see a consistent pattern of 2-3 months of strength, followed by an overwhelming upwelling of emotion related to my attractions to men that leads me to look at pornography. I'm truly beginning to understand that I can't do this alone. So I went to an LDS support group for this particular problem. I was reluctant to go for a long time, but it was good I think. I need to do things differently and find a better way to understand how to rely on God. This 12-step program does have a beauty to it, without being judgmental. The moderator was a very kind service missionary, joking with me to make sure I was comfortable before we started.

-I haven't made much progress on my relationship with my wife. She wants to feel included, but yet goes into a weird emotional state anytime there's a mention of anything gay. It's difficult. I feel like there's a wall there. Part of it is a long history of not talking about this with her, part of it is the negative impact to my wife, part of it is also reading other men's blogs who have made their relationship work for a long time do not seem to talk about elephant in the room much. I want to be open, but realize discretion is okay too. I don't want to keep reminding her how different I am, but then I ask myself how authentic I am in her presence. It's a crazy balance because our lives have been so intertwined for so long--since senior year of high school--that I just can't imagine myself without her. In fact, I don't want to. We do have a good relationship, but it's still strange figuring out how to make our relationship continue to be strong and where to go from here. I know we can be happier than we are now.

-Happiness has been on my mind for a bit. A friend asked me recently if I was excited about anything in my life right now. I couldn't really answer him, and am still working on that. That was a very insightful question.

-Lately, I've been preoccupied with looks. It is so stupid, I know. I was always very skinny, pale, and now way too hairy. Over the last few years, I really have been working hard on increasing my physical endurance and strength. I look in the mirror and actually see some muscle tone. I find myself craving any sort of compliment from a guy that means someone notices. I even find myself wanting to take my shirt off from time to time. It's a nice feeling, having a little more confidence. I'm not going to take my picture and post it around the Internet--even before some recent political scandals, I've known that's a bad idea. So sorry, no pics with this post. :) Nonetheless, that desire for some sort of recognition remains unfulfilled, but I recognize it's a bit selfish. I certainly don't make friends based on their looks. A couple of my friends look good to me, the others are only so-so. I love who they are, not their looks. Anyway, it's been on my mind lately, and wish it would go away. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis thing--I'm turning 35 soon. It's not really important, but wouldn't it be nice if some guy hit on me because he thought I was cute. I would not complain.

I guess that's about it for major gay topics I've been thinking about lately. I do have other things that occupy my time and thoughts. I just wanted to share for those few who actually read this blog. I'm doing okay, but still feel a bit distant from God and wishing I had some more direction.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

New place

I am now in a new place with respect to the church. I've never told a church leader about my attractions. I was contemplating it as another one of my kids is coming up on baptism age. I want to be square with God. That choice is out of my hands now. My friend whom I first told about being gay is now my bishop. He was sustained today. He already knows all about me, so there's no choosing to keep my secret from the church anymore. Still processing how I feel about this.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Sometimes you need a good laugh

Below is a series of clips from the Catherine Tate show, which aired in the U.K. a few years ago. It's like the Carol Burnett show used to be with lots of skits, but a bit raunchy because it is British after all. In this series, Catherine Tate plays a mother whose son just came out to her. He's worried that she won't accept him. Well, that's not the problem. In fact, she's a little too excited about it. These clips had me cracking up. It is crass, so it's definitely not for kids.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Last of the Bro Code (71-150)

Last one. I didn't bother commenting on all the remaining rules. They're too many, and I thought being a guy was supposed to be simple!

Article 71: As a courtest to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party. [I’m happy if I can get two friends to agree to do anything at the same time.]
Article 72: A Bro never spell-checks. [Better plan on working at Wal-Mart for the rest of your life.]
Article 73: When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved. [Too true.]
Article 74: At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car infront of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again. [Dumb.]
Article 75: A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick. [Sounds good.]
Article 76: If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone [Good. We don’t want that mushy stuff anyway.]
Article 77: Bros don't cuddle [Damn.]
Article 78: A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman [Agreed.].
Article 79: At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he's not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots. [Commitment issues.]
Article 80: A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle, short of completing the tricycle himself. [Huh?]
Article 81: A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros :)
Article 82: If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologise to make amends. Tha's inhuman.
Article 83: A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
Article 84: Bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die Hard if it's on TV. [Never seen it. The movie that I always watch if it’s on is Hunt for Red October.]
Article 85: If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.
Article 86: When a Bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
Article 87: A Bro never questions another Bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
Article 88: If a Bro, for whatever reason must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would. [I will too move the seat.]
Article 89: A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro
Article 90: A Bro shows up at another Bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six pack, he shall bring a six pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
Article 91: If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call bim by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname [A girl gave me a nickname once, but it didn’t stick.]
Article 92: A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance [No booty calls.]
Article 93: Bros don't speak French to one another. [What if they both served French missions?]
Article 94: If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees
Article 95: A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. (The shoes tap, The eye redirect, The swift shin kick *D cups and up only, please*)
Article 96: Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire [I have to this year since I’m helping plan the stake father/son outing. I prefer a nice hotel myself.]
Article 97: Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro's college's ass all over the field this weekend. [You better belief the U will beat the Y!]
Article 98: A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event
Article 99: A Bro never asks for directions when lost [You don’t have to now with google maps on your phone!]Exception: A Bro may as for directions for a hot chick who seems to know the areaException: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lostException: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.
Article 100: When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection. [No]Corollary: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he's not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look. [Funny]
Article 101: If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave* This is what makes them Bros, not chicks [True]
*And beyond if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death.Article 102: A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
Article 103: A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgrear plan and sticks with it.
Article 104: The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and /or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing...provided she looks good in it...but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes
Article 105: If a Bro is not invited to another Bro's wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it, even if, let's face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. Its cool. No big whoop. [Actually that would suck.]
Article 106: Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro alwas selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night [Root beer again, right? Or is it ginger beer this time?]
Article 107: A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging
Article 108: If a Bro forgets a guy's name he may call him "brah","dude", or "man" but never "Bro" [“Bro” is kind of weird, but Brother is acceptable! :)]
Article 109: When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contraty.
Article 110: If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome
Article 111: If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random cntacts and then deleting all sent messages. [I guess I’ve grown up a bit. That sounds stupid now.]Article 112: A Bro doesnt sing along to music in a bar. [I have to stifle the singing at the gym when a good song comes on.]
Exception: A Bro may participate in karaoke [I tried this once. I sang YMCA. I was trying not to laugh the whole time that I was on the verge of tears. That song is so gay.]
Exception to exception: No chick songs
Article 113: A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a young chick [I wonder if there’s such a formula for guys dating guys.] Acceptable age difference formula Chick's age = Guy's age divided by 2, + 7 (Shall add chart shortly)
Article 114: If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall sheam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable
Article 115: A "clothing optional" beach doesn't really mean "clothing optional" for Bros [Really. Probably they don’t want to be mistaken for gay. I always wanted to skinny dip. I remember my grandma telling me that’s how her dad and friends went swimming on the farm where she grew up. Times have changed. I know there’s a few clothing optional beaches and springs around Southern California, but I’m either too chicken and really can’t think of any of my guy friends who’d be willing to go with me.]
Article 116: A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bros chances to score with a chick
Article 117: A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fools errand of getting up to manually change the channel
Article 118: When a Bro is with his Bros he is not a vegetarian [That green stuff is food for food, right? Actually, I love a good salad, but will never give up hamburgers!]
Article 119: When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar...a Brotorcycle
Article 120: A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name [Especially at church!]
Article 121: Even if he's never skied before, a Bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope.
Article 122: A Bro is always psyched. Always.
Article 123: Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It" which, I guess, two Bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least not very often.
Article 124: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Bowling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself. [Yes.]
Article 125: If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro TRain, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
Article 126: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump or the confratulary gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no. [Straight guys watch porn together? Weird. Now some guys who are into guys...]
Artricle 127: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you, man" to all his Bros.
Article 128: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, its preffered that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code...half naked from the waist up, naturally. [I just don’t own much sports paraphernalia so this won’t be a problem.]
Article 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of laawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him. [If it’s a book, I better get it back!]
Article 130: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic addident, he must first ask what type of car he colleded with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay. [There is some truth to that. I remember wincing so badly as I watched the Porsche and the batmobile get clobbered in the Dark Knight.]
Article 131: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car's ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to bassersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he'll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives. [I do know how to change a tire. I even helped this really good looking guy once who didn’t seem to have a clue how to change a tire.]
Article 132: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a "no sex" penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ
Article 133: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.
Article 134: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman
Article 135: If a scenario arises inw hich a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copitot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
Article 136: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested "It was okay"
Article 137: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros
Article 138: A real Bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin. [What about on reruns of AFV?]Exception: Unless he doesn't know the guy.
Article 139: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "Broadway" begins with "Bro" [Not a musical fan.]
Article 140: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date. (Lemon Law)
Article 141: A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he's trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) its been longer than a month since his last manicure. Its called the Bro Code, not the slob Code. [Not my choice for pampering, but a good massage….]
Article 142: A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face. [And people wonder why I don’t drink.]
Article 143: When executing a high five a bRo is forbidden from intertwining fingers of grasping his Bro's hand [Unfortunate]
Article 144: It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it's still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wresting to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night. [I have not slept in the same bed as a friend since before I was married. I don’t ever remember it being a problem with the friends. On a high school trip with guys I didn’t know so well, there were the obligatory jokes, but we shared beds.]
Article 145: A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text or email in a timely fashion [This is a hard one. I get that way sometimes.]
Article 146: A Bro refrains from using too much detain when relating sexual exploits to his Bros [My friends don’t talk about sex with their wives.]
Article 147: If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro's back
Exception: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy
Exception: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week)
Exception: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back
Article 148: A Bro doesnt listen to chick front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyches, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time. [I’m fairly eclectic in my music selection, but not a fan of country or hip hop/rap. I do have some “chick music” that I enjoy as well as plenty of edgy stuff too.]
Article 149: A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars
Article 150: No sex with you Bro's ex
Thats it! Aside from some minor/major amendments and violation policy...i shall add those shortly. Thanks to those who assisted with the writing of this, mostly Barney Stinson, but also those who noticed my spelling and mathmatical errors...i was just testing.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bro Code Part 2 (31-70)

Article 31: When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know [Not prowling]
Article 32: A Bro doesnt allow another Bro to get married until hes at least thirty [None of my business]
Article 33 When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball...rebounding is optional. [Dumb]
Article 34: Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil's Threeway. [In the extremely unlikely event that I would ever be in a three-way, you better believe that there’d be eye contact and more…]
Article 35: A Bro never rents a chick flick [If it make s the wife happy…]
Article 36 DD: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts. [What’s wrong with a little extra silicone?]
Article 37: A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly they're not that heavy [Be a gentleman and open the door.]
Article 38: Even in a fight to the death a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin. [Agreed]
Article 39: When a Bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her. [Whatever]
Article 40: Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party." [Mormon bachelor parties don’t quite suffice for this one]
Article 41: A Bro never cries (Exceptions- Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports legend right (only first time he retires)) [Not a big crier, but evidently it’s also okay at the pulpit]
Article 42: Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug, but never a full embrace. [Love full embraces]
Article 43: A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America. [Racist]
Article 44: A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro [No guy has ever asked me. One friend used a spatula once rather than ask me to get his back.]
Article 45: A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club [No experience there]
Article 46: If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unlesss the dude has (a) teken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35. [Again…whatever]
Article 47: A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe [Pink is awesome! A certain Aerosmith song come to mind.]
Article 48: A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged. [Probably not a good idea]
Article 49: When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I gotit," whether or not he's actually got it. [So true!]
Article 50: If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened. [Funny]
Article 51: A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down [Sounds good…reminds me of You’ve Got Mail]
Article 52: A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every not and again probably wouldn't kill him [I don’t remember all of them but I do write them down.]
Article 53: Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice [No]
Article 54: A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro hilidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th) [Wouldn’t that be nice to have holidays for just guys]
Article 55: Even inan emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro. [I can’t say I’ve ever borrowed clothes except for ties on the mission when I got so sick of my own.]
Article 56: A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio. [Whatever…just go enjoy the party!]
Article 57: A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it. [What scores?]
Article 58: A Bro doesn't grow a mustache (Exception Tom Selleck) [Usually not the best alone, but I do appreciate a goatee.]
Article 59: A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100) [Thank goodness my friends have never gone to jail.]
Article 60: A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity. [Exactly.]
Article 61: If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows. [Not my problem]
Article 62: In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros. [I haven’t called dibs on anything in ages.]
Article 63: A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection [I assume we are not talking about the armor of righteousness here.]
Article 64: A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro's favourite sports team in a playoff scenario [He get can get it himself. That’s what Ticketmaster is for.]
Article 65: A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks amoung Bros. [Root beer again, right?]
Article 66: If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - desered or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed. [This sounds smart.]
Article 67: Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool. [Funny]
Article 68: If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. (Dry spell trumps hot streak) [Oh brother]
Article 69: Duh. [One of the best words in the English language!]
Article 70: A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being. [Heaven forbid you should ask how your friend about his well being.]

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bro Code 1-30

Evidently there was some NBA scandal this weekend. I saw the headline and had to look. Two ball players held hands for a few seconds walking into the locker room. I thought it was a little weird, but not scandalous. Then I read one of the players is Brazilian, and so it was not so weird anymore. I served my mission in Brazil. They are a more friendly and passionate people than Americans are.

Anyway, the article went on to describe has these two ball players broke a rule of the “Bro Code.” Someone took the time to write out the following rules for interactions between guy friends and posted it on Facebook. Just for fun, I’m posting these rules in sections (there are a lot) and adding my comments to each one. It’s funny.

By the way, I have not corrected the spelling. The spelling errors were intentional per the author.

Bro Code:
Article 1: Bro's before Ho's [hmm no comment here]
Article 2: A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are doing it [definitely some truth to this]
Article 3: If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown [don’t care for dogs]
Article 4: A Bro never divulges the of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a scared document not to be shared with chicks for any not even that reason. [First rule of Fight Club….]
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologise: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is-apeice of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually beleive or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
*Psst-her guys I put this in really small type at the bottom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above-the Bro Code is definitely NOT a peice of fiction. I was simply lying to uphold this very article.
Article 5: whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports. [I try but really only watch the occasional few minutes of a basket ball game or sometimes the Olympics. I do watch the Tour de France every July.]
Article 6: A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room [No lollygagging but no hurry either. I just wish more of the guys my age made use of the locker room.]
Article 7: A Bro never admits he can't drve stick. Even after an accident. [I can drive one.]
Article 8: A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro. [I send the occasional birthday card or thank you.]
Article 9: Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimmee three!" or "Wow, quiiting your job like that really took a lot of ball". Its still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls...metaphorically speaking of course. [I read Lance Armstrong’s book and he said his friends call him the uniballer!]
Article 10: A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick. [I’ve never been asked to help with this one, but would probably say no.]
Article 11: A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first discoling an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furnititure. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are-in most cases, stuck in a doorway. [What disclosure? You just show up with the rest of the Elders Quorum!]
Article 12: Bros do no share dessert [I don’t think I have, but would not be opposed to sharing.]
Article 13: All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman [None of my friends are so dubbed but I’m not on the prowl.]
Article 14: If a chick inquires about another Bro's sexual history, a Bro shall honor the 'Brode of silence' and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than tell the truth. [Mormon assumption: no sexual history if single, and so the question is never asked.]
Article 15: A Bro never dances with his hands above his head. [I’ve broken this one at every youth dance.]
Article 16: A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year [I don’t’ care about any of those.]
Article 17: A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming [Kindness is always a virtue.]
Article 18: If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group [Root beer!]
Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sisters hot!" [No problem with this one.]
Article 20: A Bro respects his Bros in the m,ilitary because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but mpre to the point, because they can kick his ass sex ways to sunday. [Amen.]
Article 21: A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying "she's smoking-hot, huh?" a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should be baiting. [What about telling your Bro that he’s smoking hot?]
Article 22: There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro. [sure, whatever]
Article 23 When flipping through TV channals with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, womens athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs. [Not a priority for me]
Article 24: When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may poition the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped. [Agree]
Article 25: A Bro doesnt let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name. [What my friends want to do with their bodies is their own business. I admit that from time to time I’ve noticed a discreet tattoo that looked pretty cool on a guy, but a girl’s name is a bad idea.]
Article 26: Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip. [Whatever]
Article 27: A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach [I wish hanging out shirtless was more prevalent but only if in shape! Garments tend to hinder this.]
Article 28: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existance of a girl fight [Don’t care]
Article 29: If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40pm. Also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags. [I don’t get this one. I have to go with my guy friends after 8 p.m. b/c we have to go after the kids are in bed. Also, we share popcorn.]
Article 30: A Bro doesn't comparison shop. [How else are you supposed to get a good deal?]

More to come...