Generally life is good, and I deal with my attractions to other men okay. It’s hard though when I wake up to an incredibly vivid sexual dream of being with another man. So, I slowly wake up and go through a series of strong emotions of longing, sadness, and guilt, among others. Then I see my smiling kids and hug my wife, and life is good again. However, on those days, there’s always a little pain that I carry with me. As the dream fades, so does the pain.
I took a positive step I think in dealing with my attractions. I actually told a friend what I was going through. It wasn't easy because I'm generally very private. Now someone in my life now and not just those who occasionally read this blog. The conversation went well, but I found myself not being nearly as articulate with my feelings as I am when I write them down. Anyway, he was not judging and was open to further discussion if I ever feel the need to talk. I'm happy I opened up. I'm definitely risk adverse and this felt very risky for me. I was shaking beforehand so badly once I decided to go through with it.
On another train of thought, I really enjoyed President Monson's talk this morning on the sacrifice, atonement and resurrection of the Savior. That's the heart of the gospel I really love.
I'm a married Mormon man who suffers from occasional insecurities, not the least of which is same-sex attraction. I'm trying to find the joy in the good characteristics I have from SSA while avoiding the pitfalls of its burdens. I'm not good at opening up, so this blog is to provide a forum for me to express my feelings and experiences with SSA.
1. And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. *** 3. Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. 4. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
I salute you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, in token or remembrance of the everlasting covenant, in which covenant I receive you to a fellowship in a determination that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable, to be your friend and brother through the grace of God in the bonds of love, to walk in all the commandments of God blameless, in thanksgiving, forever and ever. Amen.
Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith
“Friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism’; [it is designed] to revolutionize and civilize the world, and cause wars and contentions to cease and men to become friends and brothers.”