I was almost to work this morning when I noticed a window decal in the car next to mine. It was of an angel. The interesting thing about the angel was that it had a black eye. I think if I make it to heaven, that's how I'll feel.
My path is unclear. The steps I should take to better my life are unclear.
I recall from a young age being encouraged to think independently and to try to solve the problems in society instead of letting someone else solve them for me. I haven't been doing much of that.
Life is strange and demanding. I find myself grateful to just get through work, help around the house, and enjoy an hour or two of TV or reading before going to bed. My life is pretty simple. Yet, I wonder if there should be something more?
I've had these thoughts for awhile, but they have increased wiht the death of the prophet, my being told it's time to find other employment, and the general financial stress of raising a family in Southern California where the price of anything is more expensive.
It's been a rough couple of weeks for me emotionally. I wish I had greater self-control. I wish I could provide a little more wiggle room for our finances. I wish I had the drive to achieve not just good things, but great things.
A few men and women are competing for the greatness that this country's highest elected office provides. A more important form of greatness is that which Jesus taught. He taught sacrifice, selflessness, and service. Those are qualities and actions that I do not have in an abundance. I think I would find greater happiness by thinking less of my problems and offering my services to those in need.
Where to serve? Church is good, but the focus there is mostly on home teaching and meetings. So much can be done outside of that framework that no one needs to know about--tutoring, trail work, volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter, counsel teens in trouble, teach the illiterate how to read, work on a political committee, volunteer at city or county services, etc. So much can be done and those things aren't even on my radar. Where is my love to serve and accomplish the greater good? I don't know, but I think when I find it, my focus on my own problems, including SSA, will seem much less significant.
I'm a married Mormon man who suffers from occasional insecurities, not the least of which is same-sex attraction. I'm trying to find the joy in the good characteristics I have from SSA while avoiding the pitfalls of its burdens. I'm not good at opening up, so this blog is to provide a forum for me to express my feelings and experiences with SSA.
1. And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. *** 3. Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. 4. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
I salute you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, in token or remembrance of the everlasting covenant, in which covenant I receive you to a fellowship in a determination that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable, to be your friend and brother through the grace of God in the bonds of love, to walk in all the commandments of God blameless, in thanksgiving, forever and ever. Amen.
Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith
“Friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism’; [it is designed] to revolutionize and civilize the world, and cause wars and contentions to cease and men to become friends and brothers.”