Thursday, July 21, 2011

Some thoughts I'd like to share

I have been by myself for a few days. The family is on vacation and will be back on Monday. I thought that I would take some time for myself and do some reflecting, perhaps even post on this blog or journal. Instead, I have been working, exercising and watching movies. Those are all good things too.

I just haven't been processing or progressing. I am sort of just stuck in the moment, not really sure where I'm going. Anyway, here's a few thoughts I've been having, not in any particular order:

-I thought I would be stronger by now resisting pornography. My therapist, who I haven't seen in awhile, has had a focus to work towards a better relationship with the Savior and with my wife, and not being too concerned with the pornography. I look back over the past year and see a consistent pattern of 2-3 months of strength, followed by an overwhelming upwelling of emotion related to my attractions to men that leads me to look at pornography. I'm truly beginning to understand that I can't do this alone. So I went to an LDS support group for this particular problem. I was reluctant to go for a long time, but it was good I think. I need to do things differently and find a better way to understand how to rely on God. This 12-step program does have a beauty to it, without being judgmental. The moderator was a very kind service missionary, joking with me to make sure I was comfortable before we started.

-I haven't made much progress on my relationship with my wife. She wants to feel included, but yet goes into a weird emotional state anytime there's a mention of anything gay. It's difficult. I feel like there's a wall there. Part of it is a long history of not talking about this with her, part of it is the negative impact to my wife, part of it is also reading other men's blogs who have made their relationship work for a long time do not seem to talk about elephant in the room much. I want to be open, but realize discretion is okay too. I don't want to keep reminding her how different I am, but then I ask myself how authentic I am in her presence. It's a crazy balance because our lives have been so intertwined for so long--since senior year of high school--that I just can't imagine myself without her. In fact, I don't want to. We do have a good relationship, but it's still strange figuring out how to make our relationship continue to be strong and where to go from here. I know we can be happier than we are now.

-Happiness has been on my mind for a bit. A friend asked me recently if I was excited about anything in my life right now. I couldn't really answer him, and am still working on that. That was a very insightful question.

-Lately, I've been preoccupied with looks. It is so stupid, I know. I was always very skinny, pale, and now way too hairy. Over the last few years, I really have been working hard on increasing my physical endurance and strength. I look in the mirror and actually see some muscle tone. I find myself craving any sort of compliment from a guy that means someone notices. I even find myself wanting to take my shirt off from time to time. It's a nice feeling, having a little more confidence. I'm not going to take my picture and post it around the Internet--even before some recent political scandals, I've known that's a bad idea. So sorry, no pics with this post. :) Nonetheless, that desire for some sort of recognition remains unfulfilled, but I recognize it's a bit selfish. I certainly don't make friends based on their looks. A couple of my friends look good to me, the others are only so-so. I love who they are, not their looks. Anyway, it's been on my mind lately, and wish it would go away. Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis thing--I'm turning 35 soon. It's not really important, but wouldn't it be nice if some guy hit on me because he thought I was cute. I would not complain.

I guess that's about it for major gay topics I've been thinking about lately. I do have other things that occupy my time and thoughts. I just wanted to share for those few who actually read this blog. I'm doing okay, but still feel a bit distant from God and wishing I had some more direction.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

New place

I am now in a new place with respect to the church. I've never told a church leader about my attractions. I was contemplating it as another one of my kids is coming up on baptism age. I want to be square with God. That choice is out of my hands now. My friend whom I first told about being gay is now my bishop. He was sustained today. He already knows all about me, so there's no choosing to keep my secret from the church anymore. Still processing how I feel about this.