Monday, October 4, 2010

Losing my center

What a crazy and emotional weekend. My wife and I finally had a fairly quiet evening to ourselves once we got the sick kids to bed late. I opened up to my wife. That was so hard. She was in shock. I generally think the conversation went well. It was not easy for me to speak the words or for her to hear them that I am attracted to guys. I had to apologize for a few things, and try to let her know that my love for her is genuine. She let me into bed, so that was a good sign. She didn't sleep well though.

The next day was conference. I didn't even pretend to be interested really. I did go to priesthood though. I didn't really listen. I had been in a good mood most of Saturday because my wife hadn't rejected me. Then it hit during conference, just sitting there--the fear of the unknown now and hating that I had hurt my wife, not intentionally, but still felt that way. We talked some more that night. She wants to know how I can both love her and want something else so very different.

Yesterday I did watch or listen to most of conference, but it was really hard listening to Packer. It kind of ruined the rest of the conference. I just shut down and read the paper while he was talking. I don't mind that the church took a stand on Proposition 8, but his talk was hurtful for those of us struggling to understand our feelings, which don't feel evil, and the doctrines of the gospel.

I didn't discuss with my wife my feelings about Packer's talk, but imagine we will at some point, especially when the conference issue of the Ensign comes out.

I'm a bit overwhelmed today at work with my emotions. I should be working right now! I've lost my center. My wife has some doubt about me now. I have doubts about the church. I feel a bit adrift, wondering where I'm heading now.

My wife, the smart person that she is, wants us to at least try a few sessions of meeting with a therapist at LDS family services. I was so concerned about opening up to her, I have to admit that I didn't really give much that about what's next. I've agreed. I know she needs someone to talk to. She needs help because she's panic attacks the last 2 days. She needs help coping. I need to think about what I want or can get out of this. With finances the way they are, we'll probably only go once a month for now. Anyone had any good experiences with a therapist at LDS family services? I just hope this person is nonjudgmental.

I feel a bit better letting some of this out, but am still nervous about the future.

7 comments:

Bror said...

I think you did the right thing. I have never been sorry about telling my wife. She really is my biggest fan. She was very upset when she read about Packers talk in the newspaper today. I guess it was the last thing she thought she would hear from this session. Good luck bud.

Good to be Free said...

Wow, big weekend indeed. If you or your wife would like someone to talk to, please let me know. Camilla and I both would be more than happy to.

We'll be thinking of and praying for you and your wife.

sogoodtobefree at gmail .com

Scott N said...

[[HUG]]

She's more than welcome to email Sarah if she needs someone to talk to.

And if money's tight, your bishop will help with LDSFS counseling (if he agrees that you need it)--that's one of the main things LDSFS has going for it.

Good luck!

Mister Curie said...

Congrats on taking a very important, albeit frightening step. I add my voice to those volunteering their wives to talk to your if she needs to talk to someone who is going through something similar.

marriedtoamoho said...

She can go on to the northstar wive's email group. There is a very solid group of lds women there who will be a shoulder to cry on for her. I'm also another wife that she is welcome to open up to. My blog is at marriedtoamoho.wordpress.com and if she reads from the beginning she may see some of her emotions echoed.
By the way, I think you definitely did the right thing. Don't be fooled that things are just okay. It sometimes takes months for the weight of the situation to fully hit, so don't be discouraged if things take turns for the worse for a while. It will get better. It just takes work to get there.

Anonymous said...

I noticed you haven't blogged in a while - hope you are making progress.

My experience with LDSSS has been mixed. About five years ago, I met with my bishop, went to a counselor at LDS social services, and told my wife I suffered from "SGA" issues. At the time, I was looking for causes, rather than accepting my sexuality. Like you, I've always been committed to our marriage and our children (3 between 9 and 5) and I want to remain married. The counselor wasn't terribly helpful - he suggested books from the reparative therapy track, suggesting that I needed to find the causes and hence be cured. I didn't see him for more than a couple months and I told my wife that I understood the causes of my SGA (distant relationship to father...), and quickly went back into the closet until last December.

Now, I'm finally accepting my sexuality as something that will not change. I sought out a non-mormon therapist because my faith is very fragile now due to a number of things (prop 8, packer's talk, "we don't ask our single gay members to behave any differently than single members..." only to accept a hopeless existence of loneliness).

So far it has been going ok - but some of the questions he asks freak me out because he doesn't understand all the facets of my life that are tied to my marriage and religious beliefs. But I'm determined to face this head-on instead of denying my sexuality.

Today, I spoke to a therapist at LDS social services and asked his philosophy - I'm considering switching to him, and I want to ensure that he's not going to preach to me. It appears we are on the same page - he told me his experience has been that sexuality doesn't change and this will be a long process of me accepting me for who I am, being open with my spouse and others (not necessarily screaming from the rooftops), and at the end of this process I may choose to remain married or not. My end goal is to be happy and I hope that I can find happiness within my marriage.
I hope you are having some progress.
Cheers,
Dave

Crisco said...

I'm still here. I will post soon.