What to do about this blog?

I haven't posted on this blog in months. Partially, it's because I've been very busy at work. Also, I've just been ignoring this aspect of my life. I have been occasionally skimming blog posts from those whom I follow. But mostly I've just been focused on living my life. Generally, that's been okay. I've had some successes at work, and I've spent time accomplishing some things in my personal life that were amazing experiences. Unfortunately, I can't just ignore my homosexual side. It always worms its way back into my thoughts and actions. My big problem is that I just don't know what to do about it.

Anyway, for those few of you who might read this, I am generally doing well. The family is good, and I think my annual review will go well this afternoon. I'm hoping for a decent raise. Having only one income to raise a family of 6 is tough in Southern California.

On a funny note, I don't know why, but the following song that I learned at a boy scout camp when I was young was running through my head yesterday:

I don't want to go out with girls anymore.
I don't want to get married.
I only want to go out with boys I adore.
Poof, I'm a fairy.

I hope songs like that aren't being taught anymore.

Strange Response

Through a couple of Facebook contacts, I connected with someone I had completely forgotten about from middle school. I have seen or heard from him since the end of 9th grade. In fact, I had pretty much forgotten he existed. What was strange was that when I realized who it was and saw his picture, I became very excited. I almost couldn't stop thinking out him during the day. That feeling has passed now. I'm just trying to figure out why. I wasn't even that close to him. I had no clue at that age that I'd be a bit confused sexually. He wasn't any crush. But looking at his photo now, I have to admit he's got a nice look to him. He appears to be well accomplished and living on the other side of the country.
I guess it's okay that someone handsome and intelligent struck my fancy for a moment. That moment's passed, and I'm okay with it. Most of the time I'm quite happy with my life. I just occassionally have these passing fantasies about what if...

A psychology presentation

My wife and I attended a presentation by a LDS psychologist last night. It was okay. Most of the material was fairly general and it wasn't always clear where the good doctor was going with his presentation, which I found ironic being that the topic was "communication." In any event, he did mention a couple of things that I did find interesting.

First, he mentioned that studies by BYU and Harvard have shown that the only difference that can be proven in the abilities between men and women is that men are better at spacial relations. He have the example that guys are better at looking at a box and being able to tell immediately which space it will fit into in the garage. Women, he said, are better at describing things, using the example of word games at a party like providing numerous synonyms for the same thing. He didn't linger on this point, but based on the context of this statement and the examples he gave within this portion of his presentation, he implied that other gender differences are a result of other factors, like learning and societal expectations. Rarely do you hear from LDS sources that men and women aren't really all that different.

Second, he mentioned that he was one of the very few LDS psychologists in Southern California who hadn't been divorced. I can imagine living with a psychologist would be difficult.

Great Marketing

I stopped by Deseret Book yesterday. There's only one in town, and I rarely am in that part of town. I was looking specifically for something to encourage me to study my scriptures more, but mostly found books that just regurgitate the usual sunday school answers. I'm really interested in the Hugh Nibley books, but they have not been printed in paperback, and are quite expensive. Maybe I'll start buying them slowly.

Anyway, as I was leaving the store, I saw "In Quiet Desperation" in the self-help section. I've known about the book for a few years, but never bothered trying to get a copy. What immediately grabbed my attention is that the young man on the cover is not exactly ugly. That's definitely some good marketing to immediately attract the eye of a gay mormon. It caught mine without me even trying to look for anything. I was literally heading for the door, not really looking at the shelves, but this just jumped out. I didn't end up buying it. I think I'll just order it off Amazon.

Looking at Amazon, there's an older book called, "Peculiar People: Mormons and Same-Sex Orientation," which was published in 1991. The description seems interesting too. Anyone read either of these books? Do you recommend them?

Interesting read over at BCC

This is an interesting post by someone sharing thoughts about disagreement with a stake president's decision to excommunicate a gay, single mormon but not excommunicate a husband who committed adultery.

Is Mormon theology diverging into new directions?

Is Mormon theology diverging into new directions?

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Milk

My wife was out of town this weekend so I rented Milk. I generally follow the advice of the church leaders to avoid R-rated shows, but I wanted to see this one.
What I learned is that I don't have a lot in common with the gay community. While I can no longer deny attractions to other men, I don't feel that I belong in that community at all. I want a friend to care for me and to be so in tune that he can look at me and know me so well that he can tell how I'm doing. I want there to be a connection with a friend that can be seen in the eyes. Whatever confusion I sometimes experience with my religious convictions, I know there's value to setting boundaries. The drug use and promiscuity of the gay community portrayed in the film offended me.
That's not to say that the movie was not inspiring. Harvey Milk certainly accepted his differences and made incredible progress in pushing back prejudice from gays. I was amazed at the simple background from which Milk came. The world needs more people like him.
Anyway, I haven't much else to report. Work has been so busy that I haven't been keeping regular tabs on this blog. It's looking like July and August will be a bit easier to manage work-wise. That'll be nice, especially for the kids. It's nice to be home with them at dinner time.

Good choices

I'm not very original in coming up with original blog posts. I'm usually so busy with work and family, that I don't take a lot of time for the blog. Anyway, the following is a response to another blogger's post about whether he should try kissing a guy when he's married. Below is my response. I guess I'm having a good day because lately I've had some confirmations that affirm my choices I've made in life to marry the person I did and to stay with her. My response below touches on that:

Life is all about choices. When you marry, you commit to that person. It's not an easy choice or obligation. Those of use who also are sexually attracted to men but married to women may not be satisfied entirely physically. I too have my fantasies about being with another man or even just trying a kiss like you are planning. Right now, that's not part of my plan. I'm married and am helping raise four wonderful kids. I like coming home to them every day. I enjoy being married. I entered into my marriage wanting it to last. I still do. Sure, I've learned some things about myself that make marriage sometimes difficult though I still haven't changed in my desire to be with my wife and kids for along time to come. I need to make choices that help my stay loyal to that commitment I made. I totally understand that you want to know if you'd even like kissing a guy. I wonder too. If you were straight, your wife wouldn't want you kissing other women just to see if you'd like kissing another woman. Straight guys struggle too with sexual compatibility, wanting variety, seeing their wives age quickly due to children and then seeing a hot 20 to 25 year old walk by. No matter one's sexual orientation, sometimes fidelity is tough. Be careful.Now I'm not saying you can't have any physical intimacy with other men. Kiss a fried on the cheek or give him a long, lasting hug. Our society, which seems to sexualize everything, discourages touch between men unless your sexually attracted to the other guy. So, set your boundaries with other people. You are married and committed to your wife. Lip on lip action is romantic. Your wife won't appreciate you doing that with any person, male or female. If you decide to end the marriage, then go for it. Explore your options, but not while you're married. Sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy, but I'm a firm believer in being commited in marriage. I'm 100% positive that I'm not the best communicator, lover, or husband that my wife could have picked. But we have each other, and that's a great thing. We have some great kids. These things are worth the commitment. Sure, I'd love that "electric" kiss with a guy. I can't describe my relationship with my wife as physically "electric," but my heart is full of love when I think about her. It's not worth the risk of losing her to go over my boundaries.That being said, I too have looked at porn and it eats at me that I ever did that. But I only got to that point because I never set boundaries in that regard--I only told myself at an early age not to seek out naked pictures of women, and I didn't. It took awhile but I eventually convinced myself at one point that looking at other guys was okay. I'm working on that.When it comes to other people, I don't mess around. If I didn't have these boundaries, I don't know where I'd be today, but not happy.On a lighter note, sometimes it just helps to think about old men and old women. Which would I rather be around when I'm old? Definitely the women. I love the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore at the end of Wedding Singer about how he wants to grow old with her. That's the kind of love that endures. I don't know if I just wrote anything helpful for you or not. I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm not you, but I care. I hope you find a way to achieve what you most want in this life and find joy in doing so.

An Old Friend

I went away for the weekend to attend a family get together. While I was away, I got together with a good friend of mine for a couple of hours. I love this friend like a brother. While traveling, I thought about how to work into a conversation with him some of the reasons I think there are a lot of gays. Specifically, I wanted to discuss the push in society to become disgusted with other male bodies, to not provide any real male bonding experiences other than drinking and sports (which are fine but there's a lot more to having a deep, intimate emotional bond with another guy), and to sexualize any type of intimacy. Then I hoped to use that as a good excuse to tell him I didn't care about those things and that I loved him. I even imagined giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek.
As usual, I spent too much time thinking ahead of time. I want my relationships to come naturally and not planned out as such.
In any event, we did play some tennis. Afterwards, we talked for a little bit. Instead of going deep into those issues, I brought up a new phrase I had just learned while reading a movie review: "dick flick." Evidently, this is the new slang for a guy buddy movie. This mocking, irreverant, and sexualized term is a bit offensive to me. Of course, from the movie the reviewer was discussing--"I Love You Man"-- it was probably an appropriate term.
In any event, when we parted, I gave my friend a big hug and told him I loved him. No kiss. It's great to have such friends. Unfortunately, our paths do not cross often with each of us living in different states.
Part of me wants to be more open and physically affectionate with those around me, but I've never acted that way. It feels awkward. I guess practice makes perfect.

Response to an email

I've been wondering what to post about for awhile. I have thoughts during the day but don't often get a chance to put them down in writing before I've forgotten what it was. I received an email from someone asking for advice about dating and what I experienced while dating. This was my response:


Thanks for the email.

I fell in love with a good friend who I'd known for a long time. That's probably the best path that life could have taken for me. I never really had any real "spark" with other girls. I've never had that feeling where I have to spend every second with a girl, even my wife now. I always loved being with her, but I still wanted guy time, or had no problem leaving for work or school or whatever when I had something planned. It's good, comfortable love--not the instant attraction from seeing someone across the room for the first time.

Looking back would I do things the same? I don't know. I didn't understand that I was sexually attracted to other men. For me, I thought I was a bit insecure and had never had that great friendship that other guys seem to have. The weird thing was I never thought to analyze why I always wanted to see my friends without their shirts on. It took my a few years into my marriage to realize I might be gay or bi.

Anyway, life is tricky. I love my wife and kids. I also find this need inside to be intimate emotionally and physically with other men. I don't know why. It definitely makes life difficult. I don't regret having a wife and kids. In fact, one of my deepest desires from very young has been to be a father.

It's a tough bind we are in. Marriage is a very serious commitment, especially in the church where we are encouraged to commit for eternity. At the same time, a wife isn't necessarily going to satisfy every physical and emotional need. The alternative, at least if you want to stay true to the Church, is to remain celibate. That's hardly something to look forward to.

I can't say that I have any great pearls of wisdom for you. Friendship for me was everything when dating. I do wish I understood my SSA earlier and so could have talked about it before marriage. Now, it's like a blockage in my ability to communicate to my wife. I've chosen not to tell her about it. I don't think it would do any good at this point. I'm committed to her and don't want to hurt her. I'm always willing to reevaluate that choice.

My best to you.

Random Comment in the Middle of a Movie

A friend and I were recently watching "The Incredible Hulk." Not the most intellectually challenging movie that I've ever seen, but it was fun. There's a scene where Ed Norton in in the shower and has a flashback to being shot at while being the Hulk. He falls down into the tub and his whole side is showing. My friend makes a comment that the last thing he needed to see was Ed Norton's but. Inwardly I groaned because first it was his side, not his rear end, and second, why are we socially trained to either be disgusted by another man's body or be attracted to it? Personally, the nude scene had no real impact on me. Anyway, I didn't go into that with my friend. We were watching a brainless action movie. Perhaps the opportunity to discuss this with him will come up again. In fact, this is one friend whom I've considered telling about my SSA.

Between Belief and Unbelief

My temple recommend is about to expire. I wonder at this time when I schedule my interview what my answers to the recommend questions really mean to me. I find it interesting that the questions are really just yes and no answers without any explanation. I feel that my answers should be, "yes but...." or "no but...." Maybe it's a good thing that we don't have to explain.
I remember when I served in a bishopric that temple recommend interviews were one of the few pleasurable things about the calling. There is a good spirit there, which perhaps is more important than the answers.
What spirit will I bring to the interview this time? As I progress through my life journey, I find that the answers that at one time were so simple are now so complex. Life is marvelous tapestry that I have yet to figure out the pattern let alone the meaning of the pattern. I feel that when this journey is over that if things are exactly as I've been taught in the next life or something else entirely, I won't be surprised either way. I know this is a good path and that the men who lead this church are good and want us to be enriched spiritually, but I struggle with my faith. I don't feel the truth of the church and gospel as I once did. I can see how beyond the core doctrine, the church could have taken many paths and have many different ways of administering the gospel. I believe, but I don't believe. I have faith, and yet have none. I hope, but doubt. I know there's a god, but I don't understand Him or His ways. I love, and yet I'm so self-centered. Isn't life so full of contradictions? For example, my oldest will be baptized this year. I look forward to it. On the flip side, I think I'm at the point that if called to a higher position in the church again that I would decline. My mother told me that she has a new stake president who's about my age with four young kids under 6. I couldn't do it. I would definitely say no to that calling.
Well, folks, I guess that means that once again I will give the right answers to the temple recommend interview because that's what I'm supposed to do. Those answers will be laced with both faith and doubt. I know that I'm not expected to be perfect, but would a temple recommend issue to me if I explained each of my answers? So I will keep the symbol of my membership.
For another post, maybe I'll discuss my thoughts on what I think about the effectiveness of temple ordinances as a form of worship.

I'm back

I've been through a lot the last few months and have not dedicated any time to blogging. I've occasionally checked up on fellow mohomies' blogs, but haven't left any comments.
It's time to blog again. I don't have anyone to talk to about this aspect of my life, and so this blog helps some. I committed myself to resuming this blog as one of my New Year's resolutions. For now, that's all I have to post. I hope to have more time to share. I know this is a strange medium for sharing personal thoughts and feelings, but thank goodness for it. Otherwise, some of us would never have a voice. For me personally, I'm beginning to realize that I need an outlet. I tend to withdraw in times of difficulty, and I have done so over the last few months. I'm not as connected with those around me as I used to be. I'm trying to be better.