Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Good choices

I'm not very original in coming up with original blog posts. I'm usually so busy with work and family, that I don't take a lot of time for the blog. Anyway, the following is a response to another blogger's post about whether he should try kissing a guy when he's married. Below is my response. I guess I'm having a good day because lately I've had some confirmations that affirm my choices I've made in life to marry the person I did and to stay with her. My response below touches on that:

Life is all about choices. When you marry, you commit to that person. It's not an easy choice or obligation. Those of use who also are sexually attracted to men but married to women may not be satisfied entirely physically. I too have my fantasies about being with another man or even just trying a kiss like you are planning. Right now, that's not part of my plan. I'm married and am helping raise four wonderful kids. I like coming home to them every day. I enjoy being married. I entered into my marriage wanting it to last. I still do. Sure, I've learned some things about myself that make marriage sometimes difficult though I still haven't changed in my desire to be with my wife and kids for along time to come. I need to make choices that help my stay loyal to that commitment I made. I totally understand that you want to know if you'd even like kissing a guy. I wonder too. If you were straight, your wife wouldn't want you kissing other women just to see if you'd like kissing another woman. Straight guys struggle too with sexual compatibility, wanting variety, seeing their wives age quickly due to children and then seeing a hot 20 to 25 year old walk by. No matter one's sexual orientation, sometimes fidelity is tough. Be careful.Now I'm not saying you can't have any physical intimacy with other men. Kiss a fried on the cheek or give him a long, lasting hug. Our society, which seems to sexualize everything, discourages touch between men unless your sexually attracted to the other guy. So, set your boundaries with other people. You are married and committed to your wife. Lip on lip action is romantic. Your wife won't appreciate you doing that with any person, male or female. If you decide to end the marriage, then go for it. Explore your options, but not while you're married. Sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy, but I'm a firm believer in being commited in marriage. I'm 100% positive that I'm not the best communicator, lover, or husband that my wife could have picked. But we have each other, and that's a great thing. We have some great kids. These things are worth the commitment. Sure, I'd love that "electric" kiss with a guy. I can't describe my relationship with my wife as physically "electric," but my heart is full of love when I think about her. It's not worth the risk of losing her to go over my boundaries.That being said, I too have looked at porn and it eats at me that I ever did that. But I only got to that point because I never set boundaries in that regard--I only told myself at an early age not to seek out naked pictures of women, and I didn't. It took awhile but I eventually convinced myself at one point that looking at other guys was okay. I'm working on that.When it comes to other people, I don't mess around. If I didn't have these boundaries, I don't know where I'd be today, but not happy.On a lighter note, sometimes it just helps to think about old men and old women. Which would I rather be around when I'm old? Definitely the women. I love the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore at the end of Wedding Singer about how he wants to grow old with her. That's the kind of love that endures. I don't know if I just wrote anything helpful for you or not. I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm not you, but I care. I hope you find a way to achieve what you most want in this life and find joy in doing so.


Bravone said...

Crisco, It amazes me that I haven't read your blog before today. I sort of knew you were out there, but never took the time to "get to know" you. Reading your post on Forester's blog today prompted me to learn more about you.

I am so impressed with your comments. I feel that I could have written the exact response. After reading your blog, I realize we have very much in common and have tremendous respect for you. I feel pretty much the same about my marriage and faith as you have expressed in your blog.

I can tell you are a man who seeks to live a life of integrity inspite of some difficult challanges that we share. I wish you the very best, and look forward to getting to know you better.


GeckoMan said...

Like you, I post only occasionally and I'm just now getting back to you on this frankly refreshing post. I think your comment to Forester is 'spot on' where I'm at as well. Commitment to family and one's prior choices may be old news, but unless a man's got the balls to be upfront with himself and others, and legally terminate his marriage contract, he shouldn't be two-timing on the good faith and trust of dear ones most important, who are counting on him for emotional and spiritual support.

And while on the subject of fidelity, it is pertinent to bring up the porn issue as well. Like you, I'm not always free and clean in this area of perpetual temptation. The virtual reality of it all is both a blessing and a curse. Porn has allowed me to observe and learn what goes on in gay sex and to explore my feelings of attraction, while not going over the line of actually doing anything with anyone else. But on the otherhand, it is expressly against the expectations and boundaries set by my wife and the Church, and it's always done in secret. I feel badly about the dishonesty and waste of time viewing porn involves, and I note how it usually makes me feel afterwards--guilty and unclean. So, after learning what I have about these experiences, I repent and resolve to be better focused on talents and time that enrich my life and relationships with what is vitally more fulfilling...true love expressed in real ways to those who matter the most to me.

Joe Conflict said...

Sounds like we aren't too dissimilar, other than the condition of our respective marriages. I like your views. Unfortunately for me, that gay porn was an enormous "destructor" in terms of my wife's trust in me.