Friday, April 29, 2011

Last of the Bro Code (71-150)

Last one. I didn't bother commenting on all the remaining rules. They're too many, and I thought being a guy was supposed to be simple!

Article 71: As a courtest to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party. [I’m happy if I can get two friends to agree to do anything at the same time.]
Article 72: A Bro never spell-checks. [Better plan on working at Wal-Mart for the rest of your life.]
Article 73: When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved. [Too true.]
Article 74: At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car infront of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again. [Dumb.]
Article 75: A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick. [Sounds good.]
Article 76: If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone [Good. We don’t want that mushy stuff anyway.]
Article 77: Bros don't cuddle [Damn.]
Article 78: A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman [Agreed.].
Article 79: At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he's not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots. [Commitment issues.]
Article 80: A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle, short of completing the tricycle himself. [Huh?]
Article 81: A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros :)
Article 82: If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologise to make amends. Tha's inhuman.
Article 83: A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
Article 84: Bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die Hard if it's on TV. [Never seen it. The movie that I always watch if it’s on is Hunt for Red October.]
Article 85: If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.
Article 86: When a Bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
Article 87: A Bro never questions another Bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
Article 88: If a Bro, for whatever reason must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would. [I will too move the seat.]
Article 89: A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro
Article 90: A Bro shows up at another Bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six pack, he shall bring a six pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
Article 91: If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call bim by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname [A girl gave me a nickname once, but it didn’t stick.]
Article 92: A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance [No booty calls.]
Article 93: Bros don't speak French to one another. [What if they both served French missions?]
Article 94: If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees
Article 95: A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. (The shoes tap, The eye redirect, The swift shin kick *D cups and up only, please*)
Article 96: Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire [I have to this year since I’m helping plan the stake father/son outing. I prefer a nice hotel myself.]
Article 97: Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro's college's ass all over the field this weekend. [You better belief the U will beat the Y!]
Article 98: A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event
Article 99: A Bro never asks for directions when lost [You don’t have to now with google maps on your phone!]Exception: A Bro may as for directions for a hot chick who seems to know the areaException: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lostException: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.
Article 100: When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection. [No]Corollary: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he's not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look. [Funny]
Article 101: If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave* This is what makes them Bros, not chicks [True]
*And beyond if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death.Article 102: A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
Article 103: A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgrear plan and sticks with it.
Article 104: The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and /or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing...provided she looks good in it...but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes
Article 105: If a Bro is not invited to another Bro's wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it, even if, let's face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. Its cool. No big whoop. [Actually that would suck.]
Article 106: Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro alwas selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night [Root beer again, right? Or is it ginger beer this time?]
Article 107: A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging
Article 108: If a Bro forgets a guy's name he may call him "brah","dude", or "man" but never "Bro" [“Bro” is kind of weird, but Brother is acceptable! :)]
Article 109: When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contraty.
Article 110: If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome
Article 111: If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random cntacts and then deleting all sent messages. [I guess I’ve grown up a bit. That sounds stupid now.]Article 112: A Bro doesnt sing along to music in a bar. [I have to stifle the singing at the gym when a good song comes on.]
Exception: A Bro may participate in karaoke [I tried this once. I sang YMCA. I was trying not to laugh the whole time that I was on the verge of tears. That song is so gay.]
Exception to exception: No chick songs
Article 113: A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a young chick [I wonder if there’s such a formula for guys dating guys.] Acceptable age difference formula Chick's age = Guy's age divided by 2, + 7 (Shall add chart shortly)
Article 114: If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall sheam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable
Article 115: A "clothing optional" beach doesn't really mean "clothing optional" for Bros [Really. Probably they don’t want to be mistaken for gay. I always wanted to skinny dip. I remember my grandma telling me that’s how her dad and friends went swimming on the farm where she grew up. Times have changed. I know there’s a few clothing optional beaches and springs around Southern California, but I’m either too chicken and really can’t think of any of my guy friends who’d be willing to go with me.]
Article 116: A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bros chances to score with a chick
Article 117: A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fools errand of getting up to manually change the channel
Article 118: When a Bro is with his Bros he is not a vegetarian [That green stuff is food for food, right? Actually, I love a good salad, but will never give up hamburgers!]
Article 119: When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar...a Brotorcycle
Article 120: A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name [Especially at church!]
Article 121: Even if he's never skied before, a Bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope.
Article 122: A Bro is always psyched. Always.
Article 123: Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It" which, I guess, two Bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least not very often.
Article 124: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Bowling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself. [Yes.]
Article 125: If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro TRain, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
Article 126: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump or the confratulary gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no. [Straight guys watch porn together? Weird. Now some guys who are into guys...]
Artricle 127: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you, man" to all his Bros.
Article 128: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, its preffered that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code...half naked from the waist up, naturally. [I just don’t own much sports paraphernalia so this won’t be a problem.]
Article 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of laawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him. [If it’s a book, I better get it back!]
Article 130: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic addident, he must first ask what type of car he colleded with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay. [There is some truth to that. I remember wincing so badly as I watched the Porsche and the batmobile get clobbered in the Dark Knight.]
Article 131: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car's ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to bassersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he'll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives. [I do know how to change a tire. I even helped this really good looking guy once who didn’t seem to have a clue how to change a tire.]
Article 132: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a "no sex" penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ
Article 133: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.
Article 134: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman
Article 135: If a scenario arises inw hich a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copitot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
Article 136: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested "It was okay"
Article 137: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros
Article 138: A real Bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin. [What about on reruns of AFV?]Exception: Unless he doesn't know the guy.
Article 139: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "Broadway" begins with "Bro" [Not a musical fan.]
Article 140: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date. (Lemon Law)
Article 141: A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he's trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) its been longer than a month since his last manicure. Its called the Bro Code, not the slob Code. [Not my choice for pampering, but a good massage….]
Article 142: A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face. [And people wonder why I don’t drink.]
Article 143: When executing a high five a bRo is forbidden from intertwining fingers of grasping his Bro's hand [Unfortunate]
Article 144: It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it's still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wresting to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night. [I have not slept in the same bed as a friend since before I was married. I don’t ever remember it being a problem with the friends. On a high school trip with guys I didn’t know so well, there were the obligatory jokes, but we shared beds.]
Article 145: A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text or email in a timely fashion [This is a hard one. I get that way sometimes.]
Article 146: A Bro refrains from using too much detain when relating sexual exploits to his Bros [My friends don’t talk about sex with their wives.]
Article 147: If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro's back
Exception: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy
Exception: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week)
Exception: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back
Article 148: A Bro doesnt listen to chick front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyches, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time. [I’m fairly eclectic in my music selection, but not a fan of country or hip hop/rap. I do have some “chick music” that I enjoy as well as plenty of edgy stuff too.]
Article 149: A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars
Article 150: No sex with you Bro's ex
Thats it! Aside from some minor/major amendments and violation policy...i shall add those shortly. Thanks to those who assisted with the writing of this, mostly Barney Stinson, but also those who noticed my spelling and mathmatical errors...i was just testing.


recover and thrive said...

I'm interested to know who our mutual friend is - there are a very limited few who know about me - so yea, let me know

Crisco said...

I didn't see an email contact on your profile, or I would have just sent you one. I listed my email on my profile. Feel free to shoot me an email, and I'll fill you in.