Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A few things to be grateful for

I started a list a few days ago of things I'm thankful for that have come about because I'm attracted to men.  For awhile, that was very hard to see anything positive.  I then went to a support group meeting, and that was the question we all had to answer at the end.  It was great hearing more than 30 guys express gratitude for being gay.  That was a turning point.  I've been feeling a bit better about myself since then.

Anyway, here's my list in no particular order:
  • I've learned I have true friends.  They did not run for their torches and pitchforks when I shared this aspect of my life with them.  It's kind of like when Donkey and Shrek became friends.
  • I've met a bunch of new people online through this blog, through Northstar, and through D2.  I've now met others in person who are attracted to guys but who for whatever their motivations are trying to cope and learn something about themselves.  I'm not the only one who's gay and married.  I'm not the only one who thinks my path is not to seek a fully intimate relationship with a guy (not that there's something wrong with that--it's just not my path).
  • I'm learning to let some emotions through.  I can emote a little better.  I still feel like I wasn't graced with any great emotional depth.  That's one of the ways my wife and I compliment each other.  She's incredibly emotional and feels things so deeply.  I can shut that away and deal with things logically and without too much emotion.  Somewhere in between is probably the best.
  • I understand and can now address to an extent the distance, longing, emptiness, and loneliness that I've felt to some degree throughout my entire life.
  • I'm learning to be more honest and transparent with my wife.  That's been a challenge.  I feel like I've always been good to her, but I'm not sure that I'm capable of the deep emotional intimacy she wants from me, but I'm learning...slowly.
  • I've become more accepting of others.  I've been prejudiced against people who live different lifestyles, have different faiths, have different priorities than I do.  I've felt a lot of that slip away over the years as I've come to embrace all aspects of my personality.  If I don't want to be judged, then I can't judge others.
  • I can appreciate more forms of beauty than before.
  • I'm grateful my wife is still with me.
That's it.  Hopefully that list will grow.  I'm not a big fan of grumblers and complainers, but I think I'm becoming one.  Sometimes those complaints are so repetitive.  When I'm feeling grateful for those things I do have, those negative feelings are lessened.

I hope all of you have somewhere to go tomorrow and can share the day with friends or family who care about you.  I also hope you are grateful for the lives you've been given and can recognize the touch of the divine.

3 comments:

Matthew Plooster said...

Sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for! True friends, especially, are worth their weight in gold. Sounds like you're going through a few rough moments - here for ya if you need to chat.

Bravone said...

Great list. You've inspired me to do the same. Happy Thanksgiving!

Steve

recover and thrive said...

I am gratful for our socal connection!