I'm not sure why, but I crave physical contact with other men, but mostly when I'm alone or bored. When I'm with my friends, the issue rarely even crosses my mind. I read Forester's(http://gaymormononedge.blogspot.com/) recent blog post about how he experiences some regret about telling a friend he was gay and how his friend is somewhat uncomfortable with being close. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I've never told anyone myself. I don't want to make a friendship awkward. I don't have a lots of friends, but the ones I do have I cherish. Sure, I wish that there could be more physical touch, holding, embracing, etc., but I don't want my friends to be other than who they are.
Another fear is that even if a friend is accepting and becomes more physical in a non-sexual way that I won't know where the boundaries are. Right now I'm save because my friends aren't big into any physical contact, not even a handshake or hug unless I initiate it. No real worries there about going too far. What if I make a friend with someone who wants to embrace, kiss, hold, or cuddle in a non-sexual way, but then things go from good to a bad place where the physical intimacy does become sexual? I fear that and so, while wanting more, am somewhat content at the same time.
I continue then along the same path of appearing normal to the world, but secretly struggling with urges and unfulfilled desires. Those desires appear in my life mostly when work isn't going so well. When I'm home with my family, I rarely think about SSA issues other than the occasional desire to get out of the house and hang out with friends. Christmas was great that way. It was fun to spoil the kids and enjoy the time with family and friends. Now I'm back to work and struggling again.
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