The Mask

It's coming on two months since I came out to my wife. Generally we are coping fine. It's stressful, but we're falling back into our normal routines. I guess part of that is good, but perhaps not what we are looking for. My wife wants me to be more open, and I want her to be more accepting. I don't quite feel safe sharing everything with her, like the fact that I've been feeling particulary lonely for a guy's company lately. There's no particular reason for it. I'm just not sure what kind of help she can give me if I told her other than her feeling bad and/or inadequate. So I hide behind my mask.

I also feel like I haven't done much to take off my "straight" mask around others. I've become more reserved over the years. I do enjoy being more affectionate, dancing, and singing out loud. I've observed from others' stories that many guys who are attracted to men also tend to have a higher tendency to be artistically or musically talented. That's not me, but I did like acting a lot in high school and some in college. I just didn't pursue it hard. I wish I had that opportunity now. If I was back home, I'd go to auditions with local community theater productions that my friend usually directs.

I'm trying to reach out to some other friends and develop those relationships. I've been focused on just one friend pretty much for the past few years. It's a good relationship with him, but variety is good. I keep hoping one day to have a close friend who's a bit more affectionate and freer with compliments. I've never read the book, "Love Languages," but the basic concept has been explained to me. With my wife and other women I care about, what speaks to me is their actions and touch. My wife can tell me a thousand times that she loves me or thinks I look good, but it's like telling an anorexic she's not fat. It just doesn't sink in. On the very rare occasion that a guy has given me a compliment, it's awesome. I need to hear affection from other guys. Of course, touch speaks to me too. Obviously, I can't go so far in that department as I'd like to, but touching is okay. I just wish I had friends that were that way too.

Tonight I'm going to my third session with LDS Family Services. My therapist is really nice. She's very intuitive. I'm still not sure it's helping me cope, but definitely it's been nice to have a non-judgmental environment to get my thoughts out. Usually my sessions are with my wife. That's definitely forcing me to be more open with her. Hopefully she'll get used to these things, and then I can feel more open about checking this blog or the list serves at home. Right now, I usually check them at work. My wife knows about them, but she's not too keen on them. I haven't shared the content of this blog with her, just that it exists. Also, she's not keen on the idea of me meeting other gay LDS guys. My therapist is suggesting a group session next year with others. I think it would be good to finally meet someone face to face with the same struggles and religious background and see understanding in his eyes. My wife loves me and those handful of friends whom I've told, but there's no understanding.

I still haven't told many people, but perhaps that will change. Nothing bad has happened yet in sharing this part of me. It's awkward and emotionally charged, but somewhat healing. I'm still wearing that mask though.