Exodus

On Sunday, I went to a non-denominational church to hear Alan Chambers, one of the directors of Exodus International, speak to that congregation.  I was interested to hear someone speak about being attracted to one's own gender openly in a church setting.  Up until now, it's been something I've read about or discussed with others either online, in therapy, with a friend, or at a group.  I think there's been a couple of articles in the Ensign over the years, but not in any great detail or the author was anonymous.  Certainly talks over the pulpit in General Conference are not given with any specific details, with much hope or from someone who's been there.  Now wouldn't that be something if the general authorities spoke specifically about temptations or sins they struggled with or overcame during their lives?  But I digress...

Alan Chambers was entertaining and uplifting spiritually.  He spoke about his own awareness of being gay at an early age and being raised Baptist.  His memories on the subject, whether from pastors or his own parents, was about what you shouldn't do and that it's a sin.  He began praying at a very young age to God to take it away, give him amnesia or even take his life.  He was 11 when that prayer began.  He said he continued that prayer for years, and doing symbolic things like writing homosexuality on a piece of paper and pinning it to a cross he made.  He wrote it down on another piece of paper at a youth retreat and threw it into the bonfire.  He always woke up the next day feeling the same.  He immersed himself in trying to be the perfect christian, describing it like he was a hamster in the wheel of good deeds, going round and round without really going anywhere.  I can relate to that.  I felt like I was the most dedicated at scripture reading, home teaching, and serving in callings at the point in my life where I finally came out to myself.

Then he met a counselor at a young adult retreat who spoke to a group of about a 1,000 or so people.  He said there was probably someone who was gay listening to him at that moment, and that that person should come talk to him.  So Alan Chambers spoke to him afterwards, discretely, and outed himself to this counselor. The man taught him his first important lesson in really knowing God.  He said he heard for the first time in his life that God loved him.  No qualifications, conditions, or requirements.  That started a long process of healing and being led to the Exodus group.  He said it took him a long time to realize God was not going to use the magic wand on him.  As he put it, God was not going to waive the magic wand and say, "1, 2, 3, you are straight now go date and mate."  I laughed pretty hard at that one.

He put in a plug for Exodus that it is not a group to make a gay person straight, but to support in a loving way someone who is attracted to the same gender and help him or her find God.  He reminded everyone that plenty of straight people are going to hell and that we are all messed up.  It was a very good message.

The pastor then concluded with some nice thoughts about including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters with the liars, gluttons, greedy, adulterers, etc. who are sitting at church.  He said the Christian church had much to apologize about its behavior to gay and lesbians.  He concluded that we should not judge, leave that to God, and just include, welcome, and help others come to Christ.

I'm glad I went.

A few things to be grateful for

I started a list a few days ago of things I'm thankful for that have come about because I'm attracted to men.  For awhile, that was very hard to see anything positive.  I then went to a support group meeting, and that was the question we all had to answer at the end.  It was great hearing more than 30 guys express gratitude for being gay.  That was a turning point.  I've been feeling a bit better about myself since then.

Anyway, here's my list in no particular order:

• I've learned I have true friends.  They did not run for their torches and pitchforks when I shared this aspect of my life with them.  It's kind of like when Donkey and Shrek became friends.
• I've met a bunch of new people online through this blog, through Northstar, and through D2.  I've now met others in person who are attracted to guys but who for whatever their motivations are trying to cope and learn something about themselves.  I'm not the only one who's gay and married.  I'm not the only one who thinks my path is not to seek a fully intimate relationship with a guy (not that there's something wrong with that--it's just not my path).
• I'm learning to let some emotions through.  I can emote a little better.  I still feel like I wasn't graced with any great emotional depth.  That's one of the ways my wife and I compliment each other.  She's incredibly emotional and feels things so deeply.  I can shut that away and deal with things logically and without too much emotion.  Somewhere in between is probably the best.
• I understand and can now address to an extent the distance, longing, emptiness, and loneliness that I've felt to some degree throughout my entire life.
• I'm learning to be more honest and transparent with my wife.  That's been a challenge.  I feel like I've always been good to her, but I'm not sure that I'm capable of the deep emotional intimacy she wants from me, but I'm learning...slowly.
• I've become more accepting of others.  I've been prejudiced against people who live different lifestyles, have different faiths, have different priorities than I do.  I've felt a lot of that slip away over the years as I've come to embrace all aspects of my personality.  If I don't want to be judged, then I can't judge others.
• I can appreciate more forms of beauty than before.
• I'm grateful my wife is still with me.

That's it.  Hopefully that list will grow.  I'm not a big fan of grumblers and complainers, but I think I'm becoming one.  Sometimes those complaints are so repetitive.  When I'm feeling grateful for those things I do have, those negative feelings are lessened.

I hope all of you have somewhere to go tomorrow and can share the day with friends or family who care about you.  I also hope you are grateful for the lives you've been given and can recognize the touch of the divine.

Support

I was asked today by someone else, who also is attracted to men, but single, if I get enough support. He was specifically curious about whether being married helped.


First, to tackle the support issue, I have my wife, I have a few close friends who know what’s going on (one of whom is now my bishop), I attend occasionally a support group in Los Angeles that meets monthly, I’ve made some new acquaintances/friends in person now who also have these attractions, I blog, I have more on-line acquaintances, I get emails daily from the Northstar and D2 email support groups, and I have God. I’m not alone, which is what I felt significantly at the time I finally was able to accept my attractions for what they are. I like men. I can’t deny that anymore.

The conflict comes when I’ve chosen a life that doesn’t really leave room for that. I’m married with kids. I’m a Mormon, which religion, like most Christian churches, has little tolerance for homosexuals. I have this huge inner conflict about what my desires tell me is natural, normal, and wonderful to try to meet a guy with whom I could connect with at all levels—emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. Then there’s the other side of me raised to believe that marriage between and a man and woman is the only legitimate intimate relationship, the desire I have always had to be a husband and father, the cleanness I feel in my relationship with my wife, my unease/trepidation/fear of change, and lack of spiritual guidance to encourage me to leave my life as I know it and try something different with a man. Overtime, I’ve also had to let go of the idea that being gay is evil. To accept myself and not hate or despise myself, I have to accept that being sexually active with other men is not evil in and of itself any more than sex, dating, relationships between two people of the opposite gender is not evil in and of itself. So, am I conflicted? Oh hell yes. Do I need support? Yes. As you can see from the above list, I have some. Is it sufficient? Am I making the most of these options? I don’t know, but I haven’t been suicidal, so that’s a good sign, but I do get down at times. Maybe you can tell me if I'm making the most of these options.

Blog. I use this blog sometimes to express myself, to connect to others, and to have a safe place. I feel this is a medium that I can use to express my inner thoughts without being judged too much for being too gay, too Christian, too whatever. Generally those on the blogosphere who talk about their attractions to other men are respectful. Some guys are in relationships with other men, some attend church, some are married, some are single, some are celibate—there are all kinds, and I respect their choices and hope they respect mine. I’ve learned a lot from reading others blogs, though some people’s blogs don’t allow comments, which is strange, but I always appreciate the few comments people leave on this blog. It’s special because this was really where I found expression for this side of me that I blocked off.

Email lists. I started with the email lists, but have rarely participated. Mostly I just read and learn. Occasionally I’ll respond, but only about once a year. I’ve connected there as well.

LA Support Group. This spring, I met other guys like me for the first time. What an intense, energetic and encouraging experience to be surrounded by three to four dozen other guys also learning, also striving to be good people and not enter into fully intimate relationships with other men. I’ve learned more about myself and just knowing that group is there is helpful, but it is a 2-hour drive for me, which bites. Most of the guys are in LA, so don’t see them outside of the group much. I have a few of their numbers and could call if I need to. The topics are definitely geared to those who believe in reparative therapy. I’m not all convinced of that, but don’t see any harm in learning more or to use those therapy methods if you’re fully informed. Maybe one day I’ll try one of those weekend trainings they are always pushing.

New acquaintances. Through my online experiences and this LA group, I have made a few new friends and acquaintances. That’s cool. Most are single and have a lot more free time than I do. I still have to keep my focus on this family, and so can’t be going off for all day adventures or get-togethers. Like I said, I have their numbers and emails and FB connections.

Close friends. I came out to a friend first before my wife. I have since come out to a few others. Nothing changed. That’s awesome! What can I say? I learned I’m loved because of that, though I do wish I’d get a few more hugs and few more “how are you doing?” It is rough now, but they are there too.

Family. I have not come out to my parents or my sister. I have told my wife and one cousin. I have not told my wife’s sister and husband. They are so politically conservative and see things in black and white that I think that would be bad. My parents…I have no idea how they’d react, but we’ve never been emotionally close. I have very little communication with my sister. We’ve just lived separate lives without really talking to each other more than a few times a year.

It’s been just over a year since I told my wife. It’s good she knows, but hard in new ways. I recognize I’m not the most transparent person. She wants that. I’m not the most affectionate person. She wants that. I like porn. She doesn’t like that (understatement of the year). There’s been lots of tension this year, but relief she knows what I’m going through. I haven’t figured out how or if she is a necessary sounding board or comfort on these issues because they cause her pain, grief, insecurities, and anger. I’m gay and she hates that. She accepts that it won’t change or just go away, but she hasn’t reached an internal accommodation with me where she can be somewhat comfortable with me. We’re working on it. There a “moreness” to our relationship she wants, but can’t define for me. I have my doubts that I’ll ever be able to by emotionally, physically, and spiritually intimate as she craves. But it is overwhelming helpful that she hasn’t thrown me out on my ass. I want quiet acceptance from her and she wants my soul. Hopefully we’ll still continue to find that middle ground where we’re happy and benefiting from this relationship and not just for the kids. We’ve had over 13 years together as a married couple. Neither of us wants to throw that away.

One day I’ll have to figure out about whether to share with the kids what I’ve been going through. They’re still so young, that that issue is years off yet.

Funny Question

I went running earlier this week with a friend of mine who knows I'm attracted to guys.  It had been awhile, so after the run, we talked for a bit to catch up.  He wanted to know how my wife and I are doing.  Then he asked me something funny.  "You know how guys like a certain part of a woman?  What's your favorite part of a guy?"  I was stunned he would actually ask me that.  He said he was curious because I was his only gay friend.  After laughing pretty hard because I did not expect that question, I realized I didn't have an answer.  I told him that I guess because I'm in such a desert for male affection that any part seems good.  I admit I've admired almost every part of a guy before.  The only exceptions that I could think of were noses and ears.  They've never done much for me.  Then I threw out a few celebrities I thought were hot.  He agreed with me that Ryan Reynolds is a god.  Too funny.  It made my day that a straight friend would care enough to ask how I was doing and was curious enough to ask something personal, but kind of fun to talk about.

Now it's off to a Halloween party, but being a good Mormon group of people, I doubt they'll be in shirtless guys.  Oh well...

Jumbled Emotions

I'm sitting at work this morning with a bunch of mixed up emotions.  This weekend was interesting for me. 

During the week prior, I was feeling a bit low.  I was (and am still) dealing with a cold, feeling distant from friends, not confident in my relationship with my wife, and the omnipresent stress about finances.  So I goofed and looked at images I should not have a couple of times.

With that low, I wasn't excited when my wife suggested going to the temple for our date night, which we've not had in awhile.  I've never found temple nights to be the best date nights because you're not actually spending very much time with your spouse, but it is a nice break from the kids in any event.  So, I suggested doing initiatories.  They are shorter, so we could spend some time afterwards going to dinner.  I have not also done them in a long time.  I actually found myself feeling the spirit some.  What was surprising about that was that I don't usually feel much at the temple.  I know I'm supposed to, but haven't found the temple to be as inspiring as other members find it.  I've always enjoyed baptisms for the dead, but the other ordinances just leave me with so many questions about why.  So listening to the initiatory words, I was left with the impression that that ordinance is about hope for something greater.  That resonated with me.  Other stuff still didn't, but that's okay.  I also found myself missing the old way where the ordinance was performed with more touch.  The new way is too p.c., too sterile, but a lot of our worship methods feel a bit on the sterile side to me.

Saturday morning, I helped with an emergency preparedness drill.  It was tailored to meet the last power outage we had in Southern California, where no traffic lights were working and cell phone towers were jammed.  We had to walk, bike, or use motorcylces.  I biked.  My cellphone was dead too because I had forgotten to charge it the night before...so there was more realism for me.  It was a beautiful morning and was able to figure out where some people in our ward live.  Mostly, we're surrounded by the grandparents in the ward.  The other families with kids don't live so close. 

When I got back, my wife went to the stake center to donate blood.  She has to fill out information before donating blood.  One of the questions was whether she had ever had sexual contact with another personal who had had a homosexual relationship.  She came home in a funk.  She told me about this question and how she actually hesitated in answering.  I never have even come close to physical relationship with another guy.  I've never even flirted seriously (high school drama does not count...everyone flirts with everyone of any gender because that's just what you do for laughs).  Then to top it off, her iron was a little low, so she couldn't donate.  Of course, this all comes out right before I'm to head out the door to LA to go to a support group meeting, which I hadn't been to in half a year. 

I went to the meeting anyway, even tough I know there was a part of my wife that wanted me to stay, to not have to need the company of other men like me.  I met up with a new friend beforehand, whom I had invited to the meeting.  It was his first time.  That was nice, no pressures, no judging, just enjoying some good food and company while I gave him the lowdown on how these meetings go.

I enjoyed the meeting.  It was about surrendering the things that impede personal growth and letting God in to restructure your life.  For the first time, I enjoyed a discussion about labels.  Most of these guys in the group stay away from calling themselves gay.  They prefer the term SSA.  To me, that's so clinical, too much like a disease.  I don't feel diseased.  I'm attracted to men--that's being gay.  I'm not ashamed anymore of that term.  But what I liked about this presenter is that he admitted at one point he did identify himself as homosexual to help his understanding and ground his reality.  Then he's moved away from labels except to say he's a man.  That concept I like.  I'm a man. 

What kind of things do I want to surrender to God?  I don't know.  My wife wanted to know as I talked to her last night about the meeting.  She gets frustrated because I don't speak in these emotional terms.  She wants to know how things impact me.  I don't know.  I'm still pondering, thinking.  She still claims I'm a closed book to her.  I don't come home to her and complain.  I don't talk a lot about my attractions, pains, loneliness because there's not a commonality with her on these issues.  I don't want her judging, and I don't want to keep reminding her how different I am than who we all thought I was.  What I want is quiet acceptance and support from her.  She wants me to divulge all, and I don't do that.  Even here, or with friends, or with anyone, I edit.  I keep a lot to myself.  Admittedly, talking with her has become somewhat easier.  She doesn't immediately go into a sad place when we talk.  Still, when we talk about my issues, I don't think either of us really feels great. 

I wonder if I'm not capable of deeper level of intimacy with her.  Could I achieve a greater level intimacy with a man?  I have no idea.  I know when I'm home, I feel more at peace and comfortable.  That peace is usually gone when we talk about me being gay.  Last night was hard because she pushed on whether I had looked at any porn recently.  I admitted I had, without telling her how recently.  She thinks she's entitled to know every time.  Others have advised me that I don't need to tell her every time I fall so long as I'm improving.  I don't know, but I know I really don't like talking about it.  It hurts, I recognize there's a part of me that doesn't want to completely give it up so that I can have that outlet from time to time, and it forces me to realize how ugly I can be sometimes.  All the joy goes out of my face, and my wife sees that, thinking she's hurting me but won't let up either.  So last night was silence going to bed but wrapped in each other's arms. 

This morning, I woke up feeling awful.  I've been sick, so not sure if it's coming back or this is a physical manifestation of the shame I felt last night.  Writing this helps some. 

I'm hoping to find some purpose in all this mixed up emotional mess.