What a crazy and emotional weekend. My wife and I finally had a fairly quiet evening to ourselves once we got the sick kids to bed late. I opened up to my wife. That was so hard. She was in shock. I generally think the conversation went well. It was not easy for me to speak the words or for her to hear them that I am attracted to guys. I had to apologize for a few things, and try to let her know that my love for her is genuine. She let me into bed, so that was a good sign. She didn't sleep well though.
The next day was conference. I didn't even pretend to be interested really. I did go to priesthood though. I didn't really listen. I had been in a good mood most of Saturday because my wife hadn't rejected me. Then it hit during conference, just sitting there--the fear of the unknown now and hating that I had hurt my wife, not intentionally, but still felt that way. We talked some more that night. She wants to know how I can both love her and want something else so very different.
Yesterday I did watch or listen to most of conference, but it was really hard listening to Packer. It kind of ruined the rest of the conference. I just shut down and read the paper while he was talking. I don't mind that the church took a stand on Proposition 8, but his talk was hurtful for those of us struggling to understand our feelings, which don't feel evil, and the doctrines of the gospel.
I didn't discuss with my wife my feelings about Packer's talk, but imagine we will at some point, especially when the conference issue of the Ensign comes out.
I'm a bit overwhelmed today at work with my emotions. I should be working right now! I've lost my center. My wife has some doubt about me now. I have doubts about the church. I feel a bit adrift, wondering where I'm heading now.
My wife, the smart person that she is, wants us to at least try a few sessions of meeting with a therapist at LDS family services. I was so concerned about opening up to her, I have to admit that I didn't really give much that about what's next. I've agreed. I know she needs someone to talk to. She needs help because she's panic attacks the last 2 days. She needs help coping. I need to think about what I want or can get out of this. With finances the way they are, we'll probably only go once a month for now. Anyone had any good experiences with a therapist at LDS family services? I just hope this person is nonjudgmental.
I feel a bit better letting some of this out, but am still nervous about the future.
