Between Belief and Unbelief

My temple recommend is about to expire. I wonder at this time when I schedule my interview what my answers to the recommend questions really mean to me. I find it interesting that the questions are really just yes and no answers without any explanation. I feel that my answers should be, "yes but...." or "no but...." Maybe it's a good thing that we don't have to explain.
I remember when I served in a bishopric that temple recommend interviews were one of the few pleasurable things about the calling. There is a good spirit there, which perhaps is more important than the answers.
What spirit will I bring to the interview this time? As I progress through my life journey, I find that the answers that at one time were so simple are now so complex. Life is marvelous tapestry that I have yet to figure out the pattern let alone the meaning of the pattern. I feel that when this journey is over that if things are exactly as I've been taught in the next life or something else entirely, I won't be surprised either way. I know this is a good path and that the men who lead this church are good and want us to be enriched spiritually, but I struggle with my faith. I don't feel the truth of the church and gospel as I once did. I can see how beyond the core doctrine, the church could have taken many paths and have many different ways of administering the gospel. I believe, but I don't believe. I have faith, and yet have none. I hope, but doubt. I know there's a god, but I don't understand Him or His ways. I love, and yet I'm so self-centered. Isn't life so full of contradictions? For example, my oldest will be baptized this year. I look forward to it. On the flip side, I think I'm at the point that if called to a higher position in the church again that I would decline. My mother told me that she has a new stake president who's about my age with four young kids under 6. I couldn't do it. I would definitely say no to that calling.
Well, folks, I guess that means that once again I will give the right answers to the temple recommend interview because that's what I'm supposed to do. Those answers will be laced with both faith and doubt. I know that I'm not expected to be perfect, but would a temple recommend issue to me if I explained each of my answers? So I will keep the symbol of my membership.
For another post, maybe I'll discuss my thoughts on what I think about the effectiveness of temple ordinances as a form of worship.

I'm back

I've been through a lot the last few months and have not dedicated any time to blogging. I've occasionally checked up on fellow mohomies' blogs, but haven't left any comments.
It's time to blog again. I don't have anyone to talk to about this aspect of my life, and so this blog helps some. I committed myself to resuming this blog as one of my New Year's resolutions. For now, that's all I have to post. I hope to have more time to share. I know this is a strange medium for sharing personal thoughts and feelings, but thank goodness for it. Otherwise, some of us would never have a voice. For me personally, I'm beginning to realize that I need an outlet. I tend to withdraw in times of difficulty, and I have done so over the last few months. I'm not as connected with those around me as I used to be. I'm trying to be better.