Lonely tonight

I don't know why specifically, but I'm just feeling really lonely tonight. My wife is with friends, which is good, but she hasn't done that in awhile. At the last minute, I tried to get a guy friend to come over, but nothing panned out. I really wish had that physical and emotional connection with a guy. Oh well, instead I get to spend more time on the computer.

Great Zeitcast over at BCC

Here's part 1:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/zeitcast-3-9-0-part-1/

Here's part 2:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/bcc-zeitcast-3-9-1-part-2/

This guy left the church a long time ago, before coming out of the closet. He has interestingly remained a friend of the church and has some great insights.

Subconscious betrayal

Generally life is good, and I deal with my attractions to other men okay. It’s hard though when I wake up to an incredibly vivid sexual dream of being with another man. So, I slowly wake up and go through a series of strong emotions of longing, sadness, and guilt, among others. Then I see my smiling kids and hug my wife, and life is good again. However, on those days, there’s always a little pain that I carry with me. As the dream fades, so does the pain.

Overheard in the gym lockerroom...

"I prefer my queers flaming..."

Okay, I wanted to turn to this guy and say, "sorry to disappoint.".

I didn't, but I chuckled a little to myself.

Opening Up

I took a positive step I think in dealing with my attractions. I actually told a friend what I was going through. It wasn't easy because I'm generally very private. Now someone in my life now and not just those who occasionally read this blog.
The conversation went well, but I found myself not being nearly as articulate with my feelings as I am when I write them down. Anyway, he was not judging and was open to further discussion if I ever feel the need to talk. I'm happy I opened up. I'm definitely risk adverse and this felt very risky for me. I was shaking beforehand so badly once I decided to go through with it.

On another train of thought, I really enjoyed President Monson's talk this morning on the sacrifice, atonement and resurrection of the Savior. That's the heart of the gospel I really love.

Happy Easter!