Subconscious betrayal

Generally life is good, and I deal with my attractions to other men okay. It’s hard though when I wake up to an incredibly vivid sexual dream of being with another man. So, I slowly wake up and go through a series of strong emotions of longing, sadness, and guilt, among others. Then I see my smiling kids and hug my wife, and life is good again. However, on those days, there’s always a little pain that I carry with me. As the dream fades, so does the pain.

Overheard in the gym lockerroom...

"I prefer my queers flaming..."

Okay, I wanted to turn to this guy and say, "sorry to disappoint.".

I didn't, but I chuckled a little to myself.

Opening Up

I took a positive step I think in dealing with my attractions. I actually told a friend what I was going through. It wasn't easy because I'm generally very private. Now someone in my life now and not just those who occasionally read this blog.
The conversation went well, but I found myself not being nearly as articulate with my feelings as I am when I write them down. Anyway, he was not judging and was open to further discussion if I ever feel the need to talk. I'm happy I opened up. I'm definitely risk adverse and this felt very risky for me. I was shaking beforehand so badly once I decided to go through with it.

On another train of thought, I really enjoyed President Monson's talk this morning on the sacrifice, atonement and resurrection of the Savior. That's the heart of the gospel I really love.

Happy Easter!

Marie Osmond's son

I passed the tabloids at the grocery store yesterday and noticed one said Marie Osmond's son committed suicidie because he was gay. I googled it and could not find any credible news source that picked up on that. However, I did find an article that Roseanne Barr criticized the Osmonds and the Church for being anti-gay, which caused Marie's son's suicide. Anyone heard whether he really was gay? I guess to an extent it doesn't matter because no matter the cause, suicide is so sad.

What are the boundaries?

I think back to times when I've been alone with a good friend and how I wished the conversation or circumstances would have turned more intimate, not sexual, but something more. What I mean is I wish for a back rub, a cuddle, a lingering embrace, or a shirtless hug, something along those lines. I imagine those scenarios over and over again in my head. Yet when circumstances allow me to be with a close friend with whom I'd like a more emotional bond that could be strengthened through such an experience, I hesitate and nothing happens. Of course, I wish I had a friend who would instigate so it's not just me. Alas, I've never had that friend.

Afterwards, I wonder if it's just for the best. Those close physical experiences could easily turn into something sexual, which while somewhat appealing, that's not where I want to go while I'm in a committed relationship. I do not want to cheat on my wife, but I can't ignore entirely the fact that I'm open to touch from my friends beyond the occassional hand shake or sideways hug. Living without that touch is less painful than hurting my wife would be. So, part of me refrains.

I wonder if I would have much self-control. Recently, I took a road trip with a friend. We went to the pool at the hotel. Since we shared a room, we changed together. I've never really been physically attracted to this guy. Yet, when we changed, my body responded and I had to make sure I was turned away while I got into my suit. I was mad at myself for that. If I respond so quickly to someone with whom I don't have a crush or admire physically, what would I do in another situation with a more attractive man? Normally, that's not a problem at the gym, but I'm surrounded by a bunch of guys who I don't even know. I guess my other brain recognized that I was alone with someone I care about.

Anyway, I haven't crossed any improper boundaries with another guy and not even gotten close. Maybe it's just good that I have good friends. I have a good family. I don't get to do everything in this life that I want. Who does? It's okay. Maybe one day I will have a friend is more physically affectionate, and I will discover where the boundaries lie between physical affection and sexuality. That would be very awesome. Until that time, however, I'm not going to regret the good people in my life because I'm blessed that way.