Losing my center

What a crazy and emotional weekend. My wife and I finally had a fairly quiet evening to ourselves once we got the sick kids to bed late. I opened up to my wife. That was so hard. She was in shock. I generally think the conversation went well. It was not easy for me to speak the words or for her to hear them that I am attracted to guys. I had to apologize for a few things, and try to let her know that my love for her is genuine. She let me into bed, so that was a good sign. She didn't sleep well though.

The next day was conference. I didn't even pretend to be interested really. I did go to priesthood though. I didn't really listen. I had been in a good mood most of Saturday because my wife hadn't rejected me. Then it hit during conference, just sitting there--the fear of the unknown now and hating that I had hurt my wife, not intentionally, but still felt that way. We talked some more that night. She wants to know how I can both love her and want something else so very different.

Yesterday I did watch or listen to most of conference, but it was really hard listening to Packer. It kind of ruined the rest of the conference. I just shut down and read the paper while he was talking. I don't mind that the church took a stand on Proposition 8, but his talk was hurtful for those of us struggling to understand our feelings, which don't feel evil, and the doctrines of the gospel.

I didn't discuss with my wife my feelings about Packer's talk, but imagine we will at some point, especially when the conference issue of the Ensign comes out.

I'm a bit overwhelmed today at work with my emotions. I should be working right now! I've lost my center. My wife has some doubt about me now. I have doubts about the church. I feel a bit adrift, wondering where I'm heading now.

My wife, the smart person that she is, wants us to at least try a few sessions of meeting with a therapist at LDS family services. I was so concerned about opening up to her, I have to admit that I didn't really give much that about what's next. I've agreed. I know she needs someone to talk to. She needs help because she's panic attacks the last 2 days. She needs help coping. I need to think about what I want or can get out of this. With finances the way they are, we'll probably only go once a month for now. Anyone had any good experiences with a therapist at LDS family services? I just hope this person is nonjudgmental.

I feel a bit better letting some of this out, but am still nervous about the future.

Still pondering

I have been very silent as of late for those few of you who are pay attention to this blog. I can't say why exactly. In part it's because I'm just trying to live my life and appreciate what I have. In part it's also because life has been stressful. Part of that stress is now gone. My wife and I can now move on past that particular problem.
Now my particular dilemma is coming to the forefront. Now that this particular stress is gone, I'm about ready to share with my wife this other part of my life with her. It scares me to death like very little else that I've dreaded before. It's not that I think my wife is going to hate me or anything like that. I'm sure that the first few days will be rough. It's that I will be throwing this completely awkward element into our marriage. I also worry about where this will take our marriage. Scott and Sarah's recent decision to divorce is not very inspiring right now. (Dichotomy's blog). So any advice on how to broach the subject? I keep thinking delicacy is in order.

Not much to report but here's some random thoughts

Recent events:

· I taught a lesson on having a broken heart and a contrite spirit to the priests on Sunday. Basically, the lesson is to remind ourselves to be open to God and his instructions. I wonder if I have such an attitude. I don’t trust my leaders to share with them my attractions. So where do I get my instructions if not from church or do I have hard heart?

· After church, while taking the sacrament with the priests to a couple in the hospital, the husband just randomly asks if there have been any political statements at church. Oh no, I thought to myself. Quickly, the conversation turned into an Obama and gay bashing, including a crude hand gesture to prove homosexual acts don’t work. I tried to extricate us quickly. I didn’t get heated, but I could tell the guy wouldn’t listen to any contrary point of view. He made me laugh when he said Fox News is the only station that provides balanced news.

· On Monday, I discovered a few morsels of eye candy at Disneyland. I couldn’t help but enjoy the young, buff guy who decided to take off his shirt while waiting in line at the Matterhorn. I enjoyed the sites of a few guys in tanks too.

· Today, as I left the gym locker room, I couldn’t help but scratch my head at the guy who had painted his toenails black.

· I have one particular homoerotic fantasy that I can’t get out of my head this week. Go away, I say. It isn’t helping!

Lonely tonight

I don't know why specifically, but I'm just feeling really lonely tonight. My wife is with friends, which is good, but she hasn't done that in awhile. At the last minute, I tried to get a guy friend to come over, but nothing panned out. I really wish had that physical and emotional connection with a guy. Oh well, instead I get to spend more time on the computer.

Great Zeitcast over at BCC

Here's part 1:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/zeitcast-3-9-0-part-1/

Here's part 2:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/bcc-zeitcast-3-9-1-part-2/

This guy left the church a long time ago, before coming out of the closet. He has interestingly remained a friend of the church and has some great insights.