Still pondering

I have been very silent as of late for those few of you who are pay attention to this blog. I can't say why exactly. In part it's because I'm just trying to live my life and appreciate what I have. In part it's also because life has been stressful. Part of that stress is now gone. My wife and I can now move on past that particular problem.
Now my particular dilemma is coming to the forefront. Now that this particular stress is gone, I'm about ready to share with my wife this other part of my life with her. It scares me to death like very little else that I've dreaded before. It's not that I think my wife is going to hate me or anything like that. I'm sure that the first few days will be rough. It's that I will be throwing this completely awkward element into our marriage. I also worry about where this will take our marriage. Scott and Sarah's recent decision to divorce is not very inspiring right now. (Dichotomy's blog). So any advice on how to broach the subject? I keep thinking delicacy is in order.

Not much to report but here's some random thoughts

Recent events:

· I taught a lesson on having a broken heart and a contrite spirit to the priests on Sunday. Basically, the lesson is to remind ourselves to be open to God and his instructions. I wonder if I have such an attitude. I don’t trust my leaders to share with them my attractions. So where do I get my instructions if not from church or do I have hard heart?

· After church, while taking the sacrament with the priests to a couple in the hospital, the husband just randomly asks if there have been any political statements at church. Oh no, I thought to myself. Quickly, the conversation turned into an Obama and gay bashing, including a crude hand gesture to prove homosexual acts don’t work. I tried to extricate us quickly. I didn’t get heated, but I could tell the guy wouldn’t listen to any contrary point of view. He made me laugh when he said Fox News is the only station that provides balanced news.

· On Monday, I discovered a few morsels of eye candy at Disneyland. I couldn’t help but enjoy the young, buff guy who decided to take off his shirt while waiting in line at the Matterhorn. I enjoyed the sites of a few guys in tanks too.

· Today, as I left the gym locker room, I couldn’t help but scratch my head at the guy who had painted his toenails black.

· I have one particular homoerotic fantasy that I can’t get out of my head this week. Go away, I say. It isn’t helping!

Lonely tonight

I don't know why specifically, but I'm just feeling really lonely tonight. My wife is with friends, which is good, but she hasn't done that in awhile. At the last minute, I tried to get a guy friend to come over, but nothing panned out. I really wish had that physical and emotional connection with a guy. Oh well, instead I get to spend more time on the computer.

Great Zeitcast over at BCC

Here's part 1:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/zeitcast-3-9-0-part-1/

Here's part 2:

http://bycommonconsent.com/2010/04/30/bcc-zeitcast-3-9-1-part-2/

This guy left the church a long time ago, before coming out of the closet. He has interestingly remained a friend of the church and has some great insights.

Subconscious betrayal

Generally life is good, and I deal with my attractions to other men okay. It’s hard though when I wake up to an incredibly vivid sexual dream of being with another man. So, I slowly wake up and go through a series of strong emotions of longing, sadness, and guilt, among others. Then I see my smiling kids and hug my wife, and life is good again. However, on those days, there’s always a little pain that I carry with me. As the dream fades, so does the pain.