Goals

I realize that I haven't been using this blog experience as much as could be helpful to me. I'm been emotionally flat and withdrawn for awhile. I don't feel like me so much anymore. Mostly, it's dawned on me that I really don't know or have any connection with the other bloggers I follow. Beck has been blogging for a long time and I love his posts. His thoughts are so poignant and insightful. Abelard is great at encouraging communication with his blog themes and by keeping up a blog roll. He's always upbeat. Forester is about my age, is married, and has not told his wife, like me. Alan lives in the same city I do and works in the same field as I do. Scott went to the same high school as I did. However, I really don't know these people. I should. Being attracted to men and married is lonely. I could use more friends. I follow many other blogs, but these are examples of how easy it would be for me reach out. I have common ground with other bloggers.

So my goals for the new year include using this blog as way to grow and reach out to others. I hope to gain strength from doing so. I also need to be more open and affectionate with my wife. Then I can worry about those other things, like money worries, improving my career, home improvement projects, etc., that while important, are not the most important things in this life.

What to do about this blog?

I haven't posted on this blog in months. Partially, it's because I've been very busy at work. Also, I've just been ignoring this aspect of my life. I have been occasionally skimming blog posts from those whom I follow. But mostly I've just been focused on living my life. Generally, that's been okay. I've had some successes at work, and I've spent time accomplishing some things in my personal life that were amazing experiences. Unfortunately, I can't just ignore my homosexual side. It always worms its way back into my thoughts and actions. My big problem is that I just don't know what to do about it.

Anyway, for those few of you who might read this, I am generally doing well. The family is good, and I think my annual review will go well this afternoon. I'm hoping for a decent raise. Having only one income to raise a family of 6 is tough in Southern California.

On a funny note, I don't know why, but the following song that I learned at a boy scout camp when I was young was running through my head yesterday:

I don't want to go out with girls anymore.
I don't want to get married.
I only want to go out with boys I adore.
Poof, I'm a fairy.

I hope songs like that aren't being taught anymore.

Strange Response

Through a couple of Facebook contacts, I connected with someone I had completely forgotten about from middle school. I have seen or heard from him since the end of 9th grade. In fact, I had pretty much forgotten he existed. What was strange was that when I realized who it was and saw his picture, I became very excited. I almost couldn't stop thinking out him during the day. That feeling has passed now. I'm just trying to figure out why. I wasn't even that close to him. I had no clue at that age that I'd be a bit confused sexually. He wasn't any crush. But looking at his photo now, I have to admit he's got a nice look to him. He appears to be well accomplished and living on the other side of the country.
I guess it's okay that someone handsome and intelligent struck my fancy for a moment. That moment's passed, and I'm okay with it. Most of the time I'm quite happy with my life. I just occassionally have these passing fantasies about what if...

A psychology presentation

My wife and I attended a presentation by a LDS psychologist last night. It was okay. Most of the material was fairly general and it wasn't always clear where the good doctor was going with his presentation, which I found ironic being that the topic was "communication." In any event, he did mention a couple of things that I did find interesting.

First, he mentioned that studies by BYU and Harvard have shown that the only difference that can be proven in the abilities between men and women is that men are better at spacial relations. He have the example that guys are better at looking at a box and being able to tell immediately which space it will fit into in the garage. Women, he said, are better at describing things, using the example of word games at a party like providing numerous synonyms for the same thing. He didn't linger on this point, but based on the context of this statement and the examples he gave within this portion of his presentation, he implied that other gender differences are a result of other factors, like learning and societal expectations. Rarely do you hear from LDS sources that men and women aren't really all that different.

Second, he mentioned that he was one of the very few LDS psychologists in Southern California who hadn't been divorced. I can imagine living with a psychologist would be difficult.

Great Marketing

I stopped by Deseret Book yesterday. There's only one in town, and I rarely am in that part of town. I was looking specifically for something to encourage me to study my scriptures more, but mostly found books that just regurgitate the usual sunday school answers. I'm really interested in the Hugh Nibley books, but they have not been printed in paperback, and are quite expensive. Maybe I'll start buying them slowly.

Anyway, as I was leaving the store, I saw "In Quiet Desperation" in the self-help section. I've known about the book for a few years, but never bothered trying to get a copy. What immediately grabbed my attention is that the young man on the cover is not exactly ugly. That's definitely some good marketing to immediately attract the eye of a gay mormon. It caught mine without me even trying to look for anything. I was literally heading for the door, not really looking at the shelves, but this just jumped out. I didn't end up buying it. I think I'll just order it off Amazon.

Looking at Amazon, there's an older book called, "Peculiar People: Mormons and Same-Sex Orientation," which was published in 1991. The description seems interesting too. Anyone read either of these books? Do you recommend them?