An Old Friend

I went away for the weekend to attend a family get together. While I was away, I got together with a good friend of mine for a couple of hours. I love this friend like a brother. While traveling, I thought about how to work into a conversation with him some of the reasons I think there are a lot of gays. Specifically, I wanted to discuss the push in society to become disgusted with other male bodies, to not provide any real male bonding experiences other than drinking and sports (which are fine but there's a lot more to having a deep, intimate emotional bond with another guy), and to sexualize any type of intimacy. Then I hoped to use that as a good excuse to tell him I didn't care about those things and that I loved him. I even imagined giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek.
As usual, I spent too much time thinking ahead of time. I want my relationships to come naturally and not planned out as such.
In any event, we did play some tennis. Afterwards, we talked for a little bit. Instead of going deep into those issues, I brought up a new phrase I had just learned while reading a movie review: "dick flick." Evidently, this is the new slang for a guy buddy movie. This mocking, irreverant, and sexualized term is a bit offensive to me. Of course, from the movie the reviewer was discussing--"I Love You Man"-- it was probably an appropriate term.
In any event, when we parted, I gave my friend a big hug and told him I loved him. No kiss. It's great to have such friends. Unfortunately, our paths do not cross often with each of us living in different states.
Part of me wants to be more open and physically affectionate with those around me, but I've never acted that way. It feels awkward. I guess practice makes perfect.

Response to an email

I've been wondering what to post about for awhile. I have thoughts during the day but don't often get a chance to put them down in writing before I've forgotten what it was. I received an email from someone asking for advice about dating and what I experienced while dating. This was my response:


Thanks for the email.

I fell in love with a good friend who I'd known for a long time. That's probably the best path that life could have taken for me. I never really had any real "spark" with other girls. I've never had that feeling where I have to spend every second with a girl, even my wife now. I always loved being with her, but I still wanted guy time, or had no problem leaving for work or school or whatever when I had something planned. It's good, comfortable love--not the instant attraction from seeing someone across the room for the first time.

Looking back would I do things the same? I don't know. I didn't understand that I was sexually attracted to other men. For me, I thought I was a bit insecure and had never had that great friendship that other guys seem to have. The weird thing was I never thought to analyze why I always wanted to see my friends without their shirts on. It took my a few years into my marriage to realize I might be gay or bi.

Anyway, life is tricky. I love my wife and kids. I also find this need inside to be intimate emotionally and physically with other men. I don't know why. It definitely makes life difficult. I don't regret having a wife and kids. In fact, one of my deepest desires from very young has been to be a father.

It's a tough bind we are in. Marriage is a very serious commitment, especially in the church where we are encouraged to commit for eternity. At the same time, a wife isn't necessarily going to satisfy every physical and emotional need. The alternative, at least if you want to stay true to the Church, is to remain celibate. That's hardly something to look forward to.

I can't say that I have any great pearls of wisdom for you. Friendship for me was everything when dating. I do wish I understood my SSA earlier and so could have talked about it before marriage. Now, it's like a blockage in my ability to communicate to my wife. I've chosen not to tell her about it. I don't think it would do any good at this point. I'm committed to her and don't want to hurt her. I'm always willing to reevaluate that choice.

My best to you.

Random Comment in the Middle of a Movie

A friend and I were recently watching "The Incredible Hulk." Not the most intellectually challenging movie that I've ever seen, but it was fun. There's a scene where Ed Norton in in the shower and has a flashback to being shot at while being the Hulk. He falls down into the tub and his whole side is showing. My friend makes a comment that the last thing he needed to see was Ed Norton's but. Inwardly I groaned because first it was his side, not his rear end, and second, why are we socially trained to either be disgusted by another man's body or be attracted to it? Personally, the nude scene had no real impact on me. Anyway, I didn't go into that with my friend. We were watching a brainless action movie. Perhaps the opportunity to discuss this with him will come up again. In fact, this is one friend whom I've considered telling about my SSA.

Between Belief and Unbelief

My temple recommend is about to expire. I wonder at this time when I schedule my interview what my answers to the recommend questions really mean to me. I find it interesting that the questions are really just yes and no answers without any explanation. I feel that my answers should be, "yes but...." or "no but...." Maybe it's a good thing that we don't have to explain.
I remember when I served in a bishopric that temple recommend interviews were one of the few pleasurable things about the calling. There is a good spirit there, which perhaps is more important than the answers.
What spirit will I bring to the interview this time? As I progress through my life journey, I find that the answers that at one time were so simple are now so complex. Life is marvelous tapestry that I have yet to figure out the pattern let alone the meaning of the pattern. I feel that when this journey is over that if things are exactly as I've been taught in the next life or something else entirely, I won't be surprised either way. I know this is a good path and that the men who lead this church are good and want us to be enriched spiritually, but I struggle with my faith. I don't feel the truth of the church and gospel as I once did. I can see how beyond the core doctrine, the church could have taken many paths and have many different ways of administering the gospel. I believe, but I don't believe. I have faith, and yet have none. I hope, but doubt. I know there's a god, but I don't understand Him or His ways. I love, and yet I'm so self-centered. Isn't life so full of contradictions? For example, my oldest will be baptized this year. I look forward to it. On the flip side, I think I'm at the point that if called to a higher position in the church again that I would decline. My mother told me that she has a new stake president who's about my age with four young kids under 6. I couldn't do it. I would definitely say no to that calling.
Well, folks, I guess that means that once again I will give the right answers to the temple recommend interview because that's what I'm supposed to do. Those answers will be laced with both faith and doubt. I know that I'm not expected to be perfect, but would a temple recommend issue to me if I explained each of my answers? So I will keep the symbol of my membership.
For another post, maybe I'll discuss my thoughts on what I think about the effectiveness of temple ordinances as a form of worship.

I'm back

I've been through a lot the last few months and have not dedicated any time to blogging. I've occasionally checked up on fellow mohomies' blogs, but haven't left any comments.
It's time to blog again. I don't have anyone to talk to about this aspect of my life, and so this blog helps some. I committed myself to resuming this blog as one of my New Year's resolutions. For now, that's all I have to post. I hope to have more time to share. I know this is a strange medium for sharing personal thoughts and feelings, but thank goodness for it. Otherwise, some of us would never have a voice. For me personally, I'm beginning to realize that I need an outlet. I tend to withdraw in times of difficulty, and I have done so over the last few months. I'm not as connected with those around me as I used to be. I'm trying to be better.