Response to an email

I've been wondering what to post about for awhile. I have thoughts during the day but don't often get a chance to put them down in writing before I've forgotten what it was. I received an email from someone asking for advice about dating and what I experienced while dating. This was my response:


Thanks for the email.

I fell in love with a good friend who I'd known for a long time. That's probably the best path that life could have taken for me. I never really had any real "spark" with other girls. I've never had that feeling where I have to spend every second with a girl, even my wife now. I always loved being with her, but I still wanted guy time, or had no problem leaving for work or school or whatever when I had something planned. It's good, comfortable love--not the instant attraction from seeing someone across the room for the first time.

Looking back would I do things the same? I don't know. I didn't understand that I was sexually attracted to other men. For me, I thought I was a bit insecure and had never had that great friendship that other guys seem to have. The weird thing was I never thought to analyze why I always wanted to see my friends without their shirts on. It took my a few years into my marriage to realize I might be gay or bi.

Anyway, life is tricky. I love my wife and kids. I also find this need inside to be intimate emotionally and physically with other men. I don't know why. It definitely makes life difficult. I don't regret having a wife and kids. In fact, one of my deepest desires from very young has been to be a father.

It's a tough bind we are in. Marriage is a very serious commitment, especially in the church where we are encouraged to commit for eternity. At the same time, a wife isn't necessarily going to satisfy every physical and emotional need. The alternative, at least if you want to stay true to the Church, is to remain celibate. That's hardly something to look forward to.

I can't say that I have any great pearls of wisdom for you. Friendship for me was everything when dating. I do wish I understood my SSA earlier and so could have talked about it before marriage. Now, it's like a blockage in my ability to communicate to my wife. I've chosen not to tell her about it. I don't think it would do any good at this point. I'm committed to her and don't want to hurt her. I'm always willing to reevaluate that choice.

My best to you.

Random Comment in the Middle of a Movie

A friend and I were recently watching "The Incredible Hulk." Not the most intellectually challenging movie that I've ever seen, but it was fun. There's a scene where Ed Norton in in the shower and has a flashback to being shot at while being the Hulk. He falls down into the tub and his whole side is showing. My friend makes a comment that the last thing he needed to see was Ed Norton's but. Inwardly I groaned because first it was his side, not his rear end, and second, why are we socially trained to either be disgusted by another man's body or be attracted to it? Personally, the nude scene had no real impact on me. Anyway, I didn't go into that with my friend. We were watching a brainless action movie. Perhaps the opportunity to discuss this with him will come up again. In fact, this is one friend whom I've considered telling about my SSA.

Between Belief and Unbelief

My temple recommend is about to expire. I wonder at this time when I schedule my interview what my answers to the recommend questions really mean to me. I find it interesting that the questions are really just yes and no answers without any explanation. I feel that my answers should be, "yes but...." or "no but...." Maybe it's a good thing that we don't have to explain.
I remember when I served in a bishopric that temple recommend interviews were one of the few pleasurable things about the calling. There is a good spirit there, which perhaps is more important than the answers.
What spirit will I bring to the interview this time? As I progress through my life journey, I find that the answers that at one time were so simple are now so complex. Life is marvelous tapestry that I have yet to figure out the pattern let alone the meaning of the pattern. I feel that when this journey is over that if things are exactly as I've been taught in the next life or something else entirely, I won't be surprised either way. I know this is a good path and that the men who lead this church are good and want us to be enriched spiritually, but I struggle with my faith. I don't feel the truth of the church and gospel as I once did. I can see how beyond the core doctrine, the church could have taken many paths and have many different ways of administering the gospel. I believe, but I don't believe. I have faith, and yet have none. I hope, but doubt. I know there's a god, but I don't understand Him or His ways. I love, and yet I'm so self-centered. Isn't life so full of contradictions? For example, my oldest will be baptized this year. I look forward to it. On the flip side, I think I'm at the point that if called to a higher position in the church again that I would decline. My mother told me that she has a new stake president who's about my age with four young kids under 6. I couldn't do it. I would definitely say no to that calling.
Well, folks, I guess that means that once again I will give the right answers to the temple recommend interview because that's what I'm supposed to do. Those answers will be laced with both faith and doubt. I know that I'm not expected to be perfect, but would a temple recommend issue to me if I explained each of my answers? So I will keep the symbol of my membership.
For another post, maybe I'll discuss my thoughts on what I think about the effectiveness of temple ordinances as a form of worship.

I'm back

I've been through a lot the last few months and have not dedicated any time to blogging. I've occasionally checked up on fellow mohomies' blogs, but haven't left any comments.
It's time to blog again. I don't have anyone to talk to about this aspect of my life, and so this blog helps some. I committed myself to resuming this blog as one of my New Year's resolutions. For now, that's all I have to post. I hope to have more time to share. I know this is a strange medium for sharing personal thoughts and feelings, but thank goodness for it. Otherwise, some of us would never have a voice. For me personally, I'm beginning to realize that I need an outlet. I tend to withdraw in times of difficulty, and I have done so over the last few months. I'm not as connected with those around me as I used to be. I'm trying to be better.

Prophecy or Policy?

Well, the donation forms have gone around church twice now. My wife and I have discussed the issue some, but have not reached a conclusion on what level of support to give. She was with a friend this week, whose husband is bishop of the ward we used to attend. They discussed the issues some and boiled them down to whether one believes the directive from the First Presidency to support Proposition 8 is prophecy or policy. The Church has many "policies" that are not doctrine. How does one know? The other interesting thing that this friend reported is that she was aware of several people in the single's ward of that stake who walked out of sacrament when the First Presidency's letter was read. I know of at least one visitor in our ward that day who walked out.

Yesterday, a member of the stake presidency visited each unit in our stake to provide a presentation during a combined priesthood/Relief Society meeting to teach doctrine and encourage support for the coalition. I think the presentation was a rush job. There was definitely sound doctrine taught, but without thought to the divorced and single members of the ward. Taken out of context, the presentation could have been used as a basis for supporting an anti-divorce proposition.

There was talk of "activist" judges in "San Francisco" and seeking to have their appointments revoked. First of all, people only hate "activist" judges when the judges rule against them. Otherwise they are champions of the law and civil rights. Second, removing them from office will not change the law.

Another fallacy with the presentation was with the dollar amount that the stake wants to raise. The goal was set by doubling the amount raised in the friends of Scouting drive earlier in the year. "Isn't this twice as important?" I wanted to say, "No." I think supporting BSA is greater in the long run. (As a side note, I enjoyed scouts to an extent growing up but didn't really fit in with the other boys--no surprise--but have served in scout positions as an adult and can really appreciate a well-run, even if imperfect, scout program.)

Anyway, I didn't leave the meeting feeling disgusted, but I wasn't motivated or impressed. My wife asked me how the meeting went, but it wasn't great, so I didn't elaborate much. I'm still equivocating about my vote in November. That makes it hard to feel excited about donating money or participating in surveys.